This past year in ramblings.

I am going to try to sum up this past year. Or perhaps not. I have not enjoyed this year as much as I had hoped. I know that sounds horrible. I love my baby girl but there has been so much that has gone wrong. Of course there was Chris being layed off twice. That has been hitting us hard all year, its hard to pick back up from that. It would have been easier if we hadn't moved as we used our savings that we had left for that. I feel horrible that we haven't been able to do more for Ray this year. He is such a great kid. He keeps saying he wants to get a job so he can help but I just want he to be a kid. And talking of kids, I miss my sister's brood. I miss them an extreme lot. I haven't been away from my dad but 3 Christmas's ( this was the third) and my nieces and nephews never. So it has been an extremely hard holiday for me. I haven't been there to help my dad through it either which upsets me too. Not to mention not having my mother anymore. I am sometimes angry at her and other times just sad. It's a little hard to explain which I am not going to do right now.

But enough, everyone have a happy new year.

A few pics of ou new adition

Just a few pics of our new addition, Kierra Michelle.

One of the furbabies

I had a friend suggest a service dog for a family member for his diabetes and thought I would share some things about my furbaby Puddin. Yes we named the dog Puddin, at the time we weren't suppose to keep her as we would find homes for stray dogs that turned up at our house. We lived near the interstate and for the most part it didn't look any homes were near the exit but we were quite close just hidden by trees. We ended up with Puddin and her sister as puppies, as well as other dogs at the time. I had to call the pups something when I would call all the dogs back to the house. As we were living in the south I had a habit at that time of calling everyone puddin or hun. Well we found a home for Puddin's sister but not her. Our rotweiller was sick and had taken to Puddin as her own so we gave our rotty a dog of her. I know it sounds funny but was glad we had another dog in the house when Casey did pass, it made it a little easier on Raylen.

Anyways on to why I thought to share about her in first place. You see I think she would have made an excellent service dog. She is very sensitive to me and how I feel. If anyone raises there voice in any manner other than calling someone to the room she is right at my side. If I am upset she is trying to crawl into my lap. The last few weeks she doesn't leave my for much, lays on my feet or is at my feet at night. We even have trouble watching sports because as anyone who gets involved into watching sports understands at some point yelling at the tv always happens. Well she doesn't like it. She is very loving and jealous dog. If I try to love on the other dog or cat she is pushing her way in. Now I wonder how she will handle having a baby in house. I have treated the animals like kids for some time now so it may be hard for all of them. But I will love them just the same, they just won't be able to be in lap as often.

Holidays

I used dread this time of year. Not that I didn't enjoy giving to gifts to the kids its not that at all. It was only one person that made me dread this time of year and she is no longer here. My mom was an alchoholic that denied it to her last day. This time of year she always thought she had the right to drink more during the holidays. The problem was she was a very mean drinker. So every holiday we always had to endure the berating and insults. This is the first holiday with out her. I wish she had listened to me for once. She had so many other qualities that were hidden away because she let the alchohol rule her. She was a wonderful cook but she hardly ever cooked because her health went down hill.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

32 weeks, I don't think I will make it to 40.

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I am sorry I didn't get to see before you died. I am sorry that I couldn't be there. But I am glad that you are no longer in pain. I am sorry that you won't see the kids grow up and graduate become who they will be. I hope you have found peace and comfort at last.
Rest in Peace Sandra D Greer 1949-2010

Just a little note

Raylen and I got into a conversation the other day that after reading a friend's blog I thought I would share. Raylen is my son from a previous relationship, so my husband is his stepdad. Here is the thing, he has never called Chris by anything other than dad or daddy. He used to called his "real" dad his biological father for quite some time, now he calls him pop. He really doesn't think of him as his dad. We got into the conversation about custody issues because of something my sister is going through with her kids. The question came up if anything happened who would he go with. Well I told him I had arranged that he would be able to pick because of his age. He has a choice of Chris, J(his bio dad), my parents or my sister. He said he would really like it put down that he stays with Chris. He wants it put down so no one argues about and that is what he wants. It made me very happy, because I know Chris would continue to raise him the way I want. The issue in my friend's blog was with adoptive parents and refering to the "real parent" when in fact the adoptive parent is the real parent. Chris and Raylen have never acted any differently and don't care what others think or comment about. They ARE family and I know the friend is too with her kids more than anyone I know. I hope she doesn't let her bother her for long. I know people are insensitive to adoptions of any kind but people are insensitive to a lot of things like religion etc. It is just a one perspective.

Thinking back

Lately I have been thinking about my son as he was a little boy. He is fifteen now but gets mistaken for being at least 18. He is as tall as me and his voice is really low now. So I decided I might share some of the stories, even he likes talking about some of them. Let start by saying I have always called him baby or baby boy, and I do mean always. He hates it now but as anyone knows he will always be my baby. Which this brings me to the story.

Raylen was 4 almost 5 and he and I went grocery shopping. He was still small enough to fit in the seat in the cart and he was(is) a very huggy, loving little boy. We went to the check out where there was a young couple in front of us in a hug. He leans over the cart and hugs me and says he wants to marry me. I explain to him that he could marry me because he was my baby boy and you just can't do that. He smiled and promised me he would always be my baby boy then. Then he turned around and asked the young girl to marry him.

We were talking today and I told him how proud of him I am. I have been very lucky with him. I don't have to worry about him getting into trouble and he IS still me baby boy, though he may not admit to it as much. BUT he still gives me loads of hugs.

I don't have much to post. I just try to make it through each day, one at a time. I wish Chris was here. Poor Raylen is trying his best to be the "man of the house".

feeling extremely alone

I am not doing good these days. I am an introvert and lately I have become worse. Chris is gone and this is the most I have ever missed him. Sounds bad but it is just that I can normally handle alot of things on my own and right now I can't. He was out of work for three months and we were almost okay with savings but then with the moving it dragged us down. Well guess who is stuck with all of the phone calls and trying to find money on a tree? Plus trying to get the house settled and the animals settled. And then there is Raylen. We went to a barbque today at an uncle's house and well, he didn't feel like he fit and and wanted to go home as soon as I got there. It broke my heart. I wanted to move so he could get away from some of the things I went through and yet he is still turning out like me. To top it all off the friend I am going to see tomorrow went to VA first. Yes to where I just moved from to see some of our old school friends. Well I lived there fro 11 years after moving back from England and no one wanted to catch up with me while I was there. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when she keeps sending me texts of I am with so and so do you remember them. Then even though I moved away from my mother she can still call and make me feel like crap. Sorry but I had to vent Chris isn't off of work and I really don't have any friends here yet like that is a surprise.

Have a great fourth all.

A little about me

I just thought I would tell a little about myself. So here goes. I am very private. I don't go out and I don't really socialize. I have been very hurt by people growing up by people who were suppose to be my friends and even my own family. So I am not very trusting or open.

Now saying that this fourth of july I am going to meet up with an old "friend" who just one of these people. We were only in the eighth grade the last time I saw her and we have done alot of growing up since. She even apologized for the things she did, the first time we talked since that time. Here is the thing, I am actually very nervous. I shouldn't be. She has been very supportive of me on some things and always checks up on me on fa.ce.book. It is still not the same as seeing each other in person and having the security of the phone or computer screen in between. I have been to therapy and I still just can't get over some things or I should say I just can't forget. This all seems so silly but maybe its just the emotions of being pregnant.

Thanks for reading.

Week 15

Today is the start of week 15. I have so much to do. Raylen got here this weekend and we have tons to do. Chris also left for VA and from there he goes to California for three months. So I really don't have much to write about.

A "plan"

Well the decision on helping our friend was a no brainer. When I talked to Chris, he said of course, I was wondering when you were going to say it. So here is our plan right now. First of all get everything situated with the house and kids. Raylen is still not here yet and I think I should get them all settled. Then call my RE. I had already talked about T to my RE so it will just be all paperwork and they handle it. I know I will have to be tested again for everything. So I know you will read this T, get in touch with us!

baby

13 weeks 1 day. Need I say more?

New start

Well we are "in" the new house. I say "in" because we are here but not totally unpacked and well Raylen isn't here yet, not until school is out. So new house and new job going great. Of course some things could be better but hey they could be worse too.

I started showing so I had to go get some maternity clothes because none of my pants fit. It is sooner than I thought, but not complaining. My next appt is the 17th.

I have been doing alot of thinking about a friend I have never met, which I am sure she will read this. With all that I have been through infertility wise, she has been through more. She has an amazing support system with her family, something I wish I had. Seeing her amazing strength gives me insperation to do more for my family even though they don't for me. Anyways I still need to discuss things with Chris but we have 14 snow babies and well maybe I could help her and her husband out. Its a thought that has been going through my mind since we finally got our positive test.

Well I hope everyone is well. I need to go unpack more.

been here but not.

We are still in the process of moving to PA. Which right now is really hard for me. My son has stayed in Va to finish the school year and I really miss him. Chris is only here for a few days when he comes up and I still don't have my house set up. I am staying with Chris's grandparents, which I love. I love my new job and I love the area. I just miss having my boys with me. We found a lovely 4 bedroom house for only 550 a month. So each child can have a room(Chris's kids when we actually have them for visits).

I haven't been posting on here because I know a friend who reads this has been having a difficult time and I wanted to there for her(as much as I could). Well baby things are going well. We have finally told everyone. I was wanting to keep it quiet for awhile in case anything went wrong. Now that we are into month 3, its a lot safer. My clothes are starting to be tight even though I don't think I am showing yet, I had a bit of a pouch before hand.

Guess What???

I am pregnant!!!!!! It has been 4 years of hard trying, waiting to be able to say that! I am so happy! Moving to PA, new job and pregnant!

Finally updating here.

I know I have kept to myself lately but it has been how I was dealing with a lot of things. First of we transfer one 8b+ and one 8b+*. The * means it was already heading for the next stage when they were getting ready to do the transfer. The embryoligist was so nice. Actually the whole clinic was nice. I will have to do something for all of them.

Well the other things going on. My mom is overweight which is becoming an understatment. She has broke her back after a fall this weekend. It looks like she will be in a hospice for 6 weeks, don't know for sure until today. I know we can't take care of her as it is. It would be the best thing for her and my dad. It sounds bad but it is.

My nephew was throwing knives and his younger brother. We put him in a mental hospital but they discharged him saying it wasn't a mental issue but a behavorial issue. Um hello??? The mental issues are causing the behaviors.

I got a job offer in PA where I want to move. But now I feel guilty because of the family issues, but they have ruled my life, its now time for me and my son! Raylen really wants to live there espcially since my step kids were moved there last year and we miss them. Am I being selfish? The job would be less hours than I do now which if I am pregnant I need. Plus I need time with Raylen he isn't getting any younger and I feel I have missed alot with him.

Guess what?

Well, started BCPs today. So here we go. Also go the triple crown award last night for work. Its an award for making sales quota, profit quota and turn over quota for the whole year. I didn't think my store made it but we did. Also the operations manager knows someone in PA to help get me a job. I will have to call him on Mon. So things are starting to go great.

I have it

I now enough money for IVF!!!!!! I don't have anything else to add at the moment!

Exhuasted

Mentally that is, well physically too. Without putting all of my sister's business out there, she is having a very rough time. She has four kids, whose father is not the best, one of them gives her an extremely hard time. Not to mention that she is not the most mentally stable person because of some of her past "things". Anyway she lost it this weekend and I have been extremely worried about what she would do. I took all the kids saturday to give her a break. I don't mind taking the kids but the oldest really does to try to push buttons.

So trying to find a job for me in PA is really important. I only have my parents and sister and her lot. Everyone is moving with me or a little later, so we have all of our families together. I worry about Chris's grandparents and feel horrible that we can't help them out like I do my family. Hopefully things will start working out soon.

I want so much to do foster parenting but in this house we just don't have the room. So when we move to PA we will. Maybe then I will feel better about myself. I just don't feel like I am doing all that I could be to be helping my community.

On another note, Tammy and Michelle fingers crossed for you both.

Let me just say....

AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!


I am just feeling extremely frustrated right now. I am ovulating and nothing to do about it. I don't have my w2 to do my taxes yet. I am stuck, stuck, stuck. I still can't find a job in PA near Chris's grandparents so we can move there.

Oh but I have an appt next month on the 11th to talk to the fertility dr about maybe donating eggs so I can get some money off of ivf.

ok...

I know I don't post often but two in one day??? I just stepped over to check on Tammy and well her blog kinda goes with my dream.



On sadder note my heart goes out to those in Haiti. There are alot of orphans there and looks like there will be more. I wish I could do more myself.

Weird.....

I had a really weird dream last night. It had to blogger infertility buddies in it. Now I have never met these two wonderful ladies in person so that is why it seems so weird. We were at a young lady's house that I have no idea who it was but there was a few babies there. We were discussing with Tammy about ivf and with Michelle about adoption and which way I should go this year. I seemed so real. So with that I hope they are both doing well with their paths they are traveling on.

I am really a b.itch

Or I can be anyway. I was going through some old things looking for pictures. I found letters from when I was in basic training for the army. I had joined for a stable job and income for my family and I was going to leave Chris. Anyways he kept his letters and I had kept mine. I was always getting onto to him about changing things. Guess what? Its the same things that we argue about now. HHMMM maybe things will be different this year. ROTFL really?