Saturday, December 22, 2007


Really why is so hard for me to eat. I decided to start jornaling my eating habits to try to get better well here is today--

1 bowl of Quaker Multigrain hot cereal 120 calories
no lunch
1 plate of pasta with a little alfredo sauce worst case 500 calories
2 cookies
4 bottles of water

That is all I have eaten today. I am not hungry nor do I want to eat. I really need to work harder. Bad thing is that is better than yestarday. My weight 200 lbs, height 6ft, mood okay, headache none, job found none. I go back to work on the 28th.

On a different note, I cannot wait until Christmas. We drew names for the adults in the family for gifts this year and my mom told me she got Chris. She told today what she got. Chris likes and used to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Shows. Well she got him the dvd. Since I am with him I asked my dad to go to the nearest(yes I really asked him this) sex shop and get me and outfit to fit Chris to go with the dvd, plus a feather duster. I am going to give him the outfit first then he gets the dvd. Oh I cannot wait this will be funny!!! I have also finished shopping for the kids but have not wrapped a single thing so you know what I will be doing Christmas Eve!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Time to find myself......

First of all I am on vacation, an amazing thing all on its own. Second I think I want to change careers. I mean really, I work 80 hours a week for what? A paycheck that gets us by, that doesn't bother me as much as it gets us by without me. Think about it. I am at work so much that by the time I get home I am so tired I rarely want to do anything with anyone and if I am not tired I have a headache or migraine. It is not worth. Besides I have already been told by the dr that I need to get my stress down for ttc. That won't happen with my job. So what should I do?
Here is a major issue, I bring in the most money for our family. How am I suppose to work and go to school. Please don't tell me online school because I already tried that one and couldn't get that done either with my work schedule. I have been thinking of nursing but again it comes down to school and work. I feel stuck. Chris has some well off family members maybe I can do some wheeling and dealing while I am up here he-he-he. Yeah right.

Thursday, December 13, 2007


I have been getting either headaches or migraines everyday for the last few months. I thought maybe it was my eyes and had my eyes checked and the prescribtion is the same. So I finally went to the dr and I have to go for a ct scan on Tues and I have to take Topomax everyday and something else if I have one come on. It could all be stress. Really it could. I have been trying to lose weight just by eating right and really the only thing I have done is cut out soda. Well my dad wanted me to count my calories because believe it or not he thinks I don't eat enough. Well he could be right ALL of the calories I had Tues including a candy bar were 800. That is awful. I guess I need to eat right, really right. I didn't realize how hard that is for me. I had dealt with anorexia 8 years ago and thought I beat it but I guess I haven't.

Tammy girl you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Kids say the cutest things.....

I was watching my neices and nephews the other day day and was playing horsey with the 5year old Griffin. I was getting tired and told him I was getting too old to play like that. Well he said "Lyndsey your not old you are still new". Well that cracked me up and made my day but I kept talking to him about it and asked him if Grandma and Papa were old. Well he then said " Old people can't walk, so papa is still new and grandma is just a little old because she needs to use the wheelchair." Okay now I am rolling on the floor laughing. Got to love kids.

A little note on me for those who care. I am feeling a little better about things. I have decided to give Chris an ultimantum(sp?). He either gets his self together with work and things AND start talking to me more or after the holidays he needs to find somewhere to live. I figured out that I had been blaming myself for everthing, and guess what it is not my fault for alot of it. It is however my fault for letting things continue the way they have. The only way things are going to change for me is if I make them happen. I however can see I cannot make others change they have to change themselves and want that change. The unfortunate thing is that the change may not be with us as being a family. I cannot continue to be depress and after almost 9 years of being married and being on antidressants for 8 of those years, something has got to change.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Need to find something to pick me up....

.......or someone. Believe it or not I hate this time of year. My mother is an alchoholic and drinks more this time of year. My sister bickers about every little thing wrong with our family. I have to go visit the in-laws in PA, which most of them are stuck up and don't even talk to me. And I am reminded of everything that has gone wrong. I am already depressed and as days get closer to the holidays the more I want to runaway. Chris really doesn't talk with me about anything and it is driving me nuts. Plus he drags his butt on everything so it seems like I nag him to death but if he did things by the third time I reminded him I wouldn't be such a nag. These are things that he needs to do for him or the kids not even for me or us so I don't understand him.

I realized yestarday that because so many people have hurt me in the past that I can count my friends on one hand. I have tons of people I know but hardly anyone I can go talk to when I am upset. Even the people I do call friends don't live around here any more. I feel so lost and alone. This is not a pity me party, so just plain facts of my life and I hate it.

Thank you Shari and Tammy you guys are wonderful!

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Stepping away....

I am taking a break for the ttc board for awhile. I feel like such a bad person. I should be happy for all my friends who just got a bfp but I am so sad inside. I had a breakdown last night and everytime I stop working I break into tears. I didn't think it would hurt me so much. Chris really tried to comfort me last night but it just didn't work. Even now the tears are running down my face. I really thought by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't believe that I can't get myself back up from this one. It's not just ttc. Finances are not the greatest right now and I can't spoil the kids for Christmas. I normally spoil all the kids, nieces, nephews and some of my employees kids. Well not this year. I am not really in the spirit either. I just want to run away, far, far away.
To Tammy and Shari I will still check on you guys. Good luck to both of you.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Just another day

Thank you for the comments and support ladies. Another 13 hour day of work, lucky me. I am ready for vacation, but who knows when that will be. Chris is going to try to get a new job. He may work out of town most of the week. The insurance is better and the pay is twice what he makes now. That would take alot of stress off me. Since we have been married I have been the one who works consitantly and makes the most money. So I have always paid all the bills. I am so ready for him to take over and be the "man of the house" for once.

I talked to my best friend today and I really wished he lived closer. I can't do much to help him from here and that upsets me. He knows how much I care and that I want to help but I can't. He does so much to cheer me up, I just wish I could do more for him. I am really looking forward to seeing him in Feb.

Good luck to all still TTC, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Trying to find the new plan

Well first of all I have to say stress may be the biggest factor in me not getting pregnant. I have been working 85 hours a week and was ready to quit today. I finally got some time away from my store and of course it is because I am sick. Not to mention everything else that is going on. My parents have been wonderfully supportive. My dad brought me flowers to work which really helped the other day. My best friend is wonderful too. No matter what is going on he finds away to cheer me up. Now my husband on the other hand is very stand offish. It is driving me mad. I really need to discuss things with him and he doesn't want me to get upset. So instead of helping me through it he leaves me to dwell on it. Not the best thing for me right now.

So on my own I am trying to find my plan. I am waiting until probably Feb to try again. In the meantime I am going to try to get an HSG done to make sure everything is clear. Also I think I am going to take vacation in Feb to be with my donor around O time. This will save on shipping and give me some time to relax away from everyone else that is bringing me down. Well that is start of my plan.j

Monday, October 8, 2007


Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been very hectic and so negative. I don't want to go into details because if I write it down then I have to think about it more. If I think about it more I get depressed.

On another note.....we took the kids to the mountains last weekend and we went mining!! It was very fun and educational for the kids. It was also informing for me. I really want to move to the mountains and away from the city. I am going to what we have to do to move. It won't be just my husband and kids but also my parents and perhaps even my sister and her kids. But maybe in a year or two.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Well this is my life

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time but things have been hectic to say the least. My dad got a virus last week which is always worse because of his chemo for cancer. It really scared me this time. It was the sickest he has been in a long time and he looked really bad.
Then there is my sister. She and her long time live in boyfriend have been fighting. I don't mean verbal either. He hyperextended her thumb and bit her several times. I had to go to court with her for the restraining order and have been helping her move her stuff into storage.
Now work, how can older(over 60) men act like stupid teen girls with gossip. I am so over stupid drama. My asst mgr who is an older man told my boss that I am never at work and I don't do anything. UUhhHH excuse me but I work 70 plus hours a week mostly because he doesn't do his part as an asst. But that is okay because now I will make his life hell because I will hold him to his job.
I am so over it all. If this cycle doesn't work then I am not trying for a few months I need a break from everything. I am so emotionally and physically drained. When people tell me it can only get better I ask them when??? I have been waiting long enough for something to go my way.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

When is enough, enough??

Yestarday I was just beside myself with this last cycle not working. Chris bought me a dozen roses and I love them. But I have had about 5 mins to talk to him the last two days. I want to talk to him in person for what we are going to do the this cycle. So I talked to my best friend(my donor) for about an hour last night and he also called me this morning. He is a great best friend. I just wished he didn't move to Florida. I feel completely defeated. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007


Today I am extremely tired. I had a three day weekend which I normally never do but thought it would be nice and today was the first day back. It's not like I didn't get enough sleep I was asleep by around 8pm. At least that is what my son said. I have no energy at all I just want to sleep. I took a hpt this am and it was negative. It is still early. I just want to know because if I am tired because of that then I won't complain but if not then it is back to the dr's for tests. I am a veg so my dr always test my b levels and other things because of family history of other medicals problems.

This past weekend we had all the kids. That is why I took the extra day, to spend time with them. We took them to Nags Head and went swimming. I got knocked over the first time I went out into the water pretty badly so once I got back to shore I did NOT go back in. The kids and Chris had a great time and that is what matters.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Learning about myself

I realized recently I really don't talk alot. I even asked my best friend and he said that is something he has just gotten used too. What???? I always say something that is short and too the int nothing frivolous. Mike says he thinks it is because of my mom. She can talk you ear off about nothing. It would make sense, I listen alot to what others say and stew on it for awhile. Perhaps I just need to come out of my shell( at age 31??)?? See now I have nothing else to say about it.
On the ttc note. It is 5dpo and my boobs hurt already. It is too early so what is going on.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Another day......

It's sunday and I am working, and BORED!!!! We should be closed on Sunday! Well since I am bored and have nothing to do, my mind is wandering. Did this one work????? Oh the wait is killing me...........agh!

Saturday, August 4, 2007

The start.....

Alright I am now jumping on the band wagon of blogging. I don't want to put on my myspace page because I don't everyone knowing about my TTC method. I started the TWW again as of Friday. I am really excited about this try. I am truly happy with my choice of donor too. I was a little worried for awhile but I am happy with it. So here is to writing my personal feelings for the world to see.