Saturday, December 13, 2008

runaway returning?

So I ran away from everything and everyone. I am still far away. I have still been ttcing, just don't go on any boards because I can not take any positives when I continue to get negatives. we are still going to ttc but now are working on adoption, even an older child. I have so much love to give and it seems like I don't have enough people to show. I keep stealing my nieces and nephews from my sister as much as I possibly can. I am working on buying the house across the street from my parents. I still live with my parents because of my mother, so the house across the street would be perfect and I could have more kids! I hope everyone is okay.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Time heals...

nothing. The saying time heals all wounds is not really true. I have been talking to my first since the last post and there is still alot there. We figured out that my parents split us up. And that I never got over him. We have spent so much time talking that his wife is got upset. Here is the thing we are an ocean apart. He is in England and here I am stateside. I have done alot of self discovery lately. I am not going to ttc for awhile. Not until decide what to do about the silence between me and Chris. I thought it was me but I have tried alot with him lately and I don't think it is me. So until I figure what would be best for me and my son, there will be no ttc. I was sad about it but I think in the long run it will be for the better. I may end up being a smbc. Who knows. What I do know is that things need to change around here. I am working on moving out of this house with my parents. This means slowly putting the idea into their heads like it is their idea. They really don't want me and my son to move but I think it will be better because sometimes they treat me like a teenager. Anyways I am saving for a vacation to England to visit family. Good luck to all of you that are still ttc.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

How can you make up for the past?

As in my previous post I have gotten in contact with my first love. The reason why we split had to do with my parents. I can't ask my parents why they did what they did because I am sure it would be said it was because they thought it was best for me. I have dealt with alot over the years most of which I am sure if he and I had stayed together I would not have gone through. Chris is a great guy in many ways. but truth be told I did not tell him I loved him for a long time. It only changed when agreed to ttc with ds. There is still problems. All married people have problems. To see him in pictures now hurts and yes I am jealous. I won't tell him that, nor will I tell chris. It's nice to understand what has happened but nothing can be changed no matter how much you want it.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Here I am

Okay so I am a horrible blogger. But I am not the person that I want to be. So Ihave been working very hard at changing me. I have gotten in touch with my first love and sorted out some things that happened between. I did that because the reason I do alot of the things I do is because of it. I amstill working on my journey which is harder than I thought.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Another bfn

That's right another bfn. I am going to go to a chiroproator and an acupuncturist on Friday. I really thought this one would work.

Why do some family members think they can cheer me up with a gift. My sister has been getting me dolls. UGLY porcelain dolls. Yes I do have some collectable ones. But I normally get them because they appeal to me. Others get them for me as to appease my want of a baby. Like it really helps.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

2 weeks are almost up

and I haven't tested yet. I was going to test but my mom thinks I should wait a couple more days. Is she for real? I can't promise I will wait I will try though. Chris really thinks it worked this time though. One of our deals were that I would grow my long if we used DS. Well I really don't like my hair long at all. It has made it to my shoulders. Thanks for reading guys. I know it can be boring. I have been told I need to open up more(by a therapist). I will try more. I did write a long post a couple of days ago and erased it, lol.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Oh great

So two IUI's done. My timing is definately different this time. I hope it works. I went by cervix position not by opk's.

Okay I have gotten into poison ivy. Yeh and it itches bad. Plus blisters oh great.

Sunday, May 11, 2008


As some of you know I have been having trouble with depression. I had some dr appts on Fri and we are still no where as far as I can tell. Anyways we had put ttc on hold because of finances. Both of our insurances do not cover anything so we would need $4000. to go to the next step with fertility dr. Chris and I had discussed trying at home again but that was all we did. Well Friday evening Chris ordered for Wed without me. He even had to pick out another donor because the ones we had tried before were not available. So I guess we are trying this month after all. I am not even sure which donor he picked. Not like it matters.

Friday, May 2, 2008

I want to run away

Sorry for those who care I am having a hard time dealing with depression at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone see anyone or do anything. You are all in my thoughts.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008


Sorry I haven't been around. I will update later. Right now I am trying to catch up on all of you.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Very Upset

No adoption. Apparently the guy that works for me was talking to me about it when his wife does not want to give away her baby. I don't blame her at all I wouldn't either. But what an a$$ that works for knowing how much I want a baby. Not to mention the crap he is doing to his wife. I found out his girlfriend is pregnant by him and she is keeping the baby. BUT he told his wife that if she keeps the baby he is leaving her. Not to mention some other bull that I found out about him. Now he doesn't know that I have talked to his wife because he "forbid" her to come to the store. I guess he was afraid I would find everything out. But I promised her I wouldn't say anything because I don't know what he will do to her. I can't do anything to him at work because it is not job related. I am extremely hurt. But I knew something wasn't quite right.

On the TTC front I had cd3 labs done and on cd9 I have to go in for a sonohysterogram. So I may be out this month.

Monday, February 25, 2008


OK so I am a little confused on what to do. For adoption we need to work on getting a home study and find out how much. I am not putting this on the nw chatroom because I don't want everyone to know. Only a few of you read my blog so. I saw the ultrasound pics of the baby today and everything looks perfect! She is due around Sept 1st. Chris still wants to aggressive with me and wait on adoption. I don't want to get my hopes up because something just bothers me on the whole situation..
Cindy I hope you feel better soon, Tammy I have my fingers crossed for you, Shari you are in my thoughts and Michelle I hope you adjust to the time zone soon.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


The couple came to me again about adopting their unborn child. we are seriously considering, even if I am pregnant. The child will need a family that can take care of it. We will be able to. I just need to look into fees and laws. We are trying to look for a bigger place so we can do this. "S" is 3 and half months along. They don't have a place to live now with the kids they have. They have an emergency meeting with social services. I truly hope it goes well. I will keep everyone updated on this.

On the TTC front, no real symptons. I am taking progestogen so even if I did I would trust it.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

What fun!

We had all the kids this weekend. We took them bowling. I haven't been bowling for a very, very long time! It was hilarious! None of us got over 100. We had so much fun.

Now for the TWW

The IUIs are done. I start the progestogen today, 3 a day. I am really happy with the timing. The first IUI went extremely well but the second one a little tough because my cervix had started to close. The RE joked about twins because of the number of follies.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Here we go!

We did the trigger shot at 745 pm and go in for iui at 145 pm tomorrow and 845 Sat am. We have 5 possible follicles! One at 20, two at 18, three at 16 holy cow!

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


I may have the opportunity to adopt!! One of my employee's wife is pregnant. They have only been married for a few months and she has children from a previous marriage. One of her sons is in the hospital in bad shape. They have had some really hard times and haven't even been staying at the same house most of the time. They asked me today if I thought of adopting because they know what I have been going through. Oh I would be so happy!! I will keep everyone updated!


Monday, February 4, 2008

2nd re appt

Okay so I had the hockey stick procedure done today. Well it could have been better. Follicles look to be going good, should have three good ones for iui. The bummer is that I got a phone call later today from the nurse about my blood tests. First is the TSH (thyroid) should be 1-2 and mine is 2.085, not totally bad but I have to take some meds for it. The bad one is the AMH, should be 2.0 or above and mine is only 1.6. The nurse said it is perimeopausal. I am only 31yo so what the heck! I can't get a break!

Sunday, February 3, 2008


Well Raylen is sick, with influenza b and hasn't been in school much the last week. He probably won't be in school tomorrow either. I went overboard and bought all sorts of sanitizers.

On the ttc front, I go for an ultrasound tomorrow. I have swimmers ordered for Thurs. so now its the wait. I have not got a pos opk yet.

Nothing else going on around here. Shari and Michelle good luck!!! Tammy I hope you are having fun and Cindy I am thinking of you, hope all is well!

Monday, January 28, 2008

The hsg all clear. That was painful. The nurses were awesome. So now we wait for Wed to see what the re suggests to do. I will write more later.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Now what?

I got the paperwork for the fertility clinic to fill before our appt on Wed. There is a his and hers packet. Its kinda funny because we know Chris doesn't have any sperm because of his vasectomy. The paperwork is asking questions as if we don't know that I am the problem. It has questions on his about how many times he has gotten anyone pregnant. I always know about the two but I forget about the first one from when he was in high school. I didn't realize it bothered him. The girl had an abortion. I figured it out and the child would be turning 18 this year. I guess sometimes some people, myself included, realize that it affects the male partner in that situation.

Well I go in for the hsg at 8am. I am not looking forward to it at all. I hope nothing is wrong. I am always afraid that there is something very wrong.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Just Another day

Today is just another day of crap. I have really wanted to have something positive to put in here but it doesn't seem like anything is going to go that way. Tomorrow I go to the dr to figure out our next game plan for ttc. I am ready to move forward, I think. I have a hard time dealing with alot of things and have even been crying at work. Not cool. I am just getting too much crap at once. Chris bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I should take a picture of it. It is his birthday tomorrow and I haven't even gotten anything for his birthday. I am so bad.

Monday, January 21, 2008

I've been tagged

Thank you Shari at for tagging me.

The Rules:1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!


1.) I was severly picked on as a kid, so I don't trust people very easily, especially females. BUT the women from NW have shown me there is some good people. 2 of the girls that would pick on me have apologized in the last year.

2.) I collect rose and pig figurines or anything to do with either. I would own a pig but farm animals are illegal in the city.

3.) I hate living in a city even one as small as this one. I would prefer some land in the mountains.

4.) I am obsessive compulsive about brushing my teeth. I have a toothbrush in my car, at my job and several in the house. I have actually been told to stop brushing so much.

5.) I generally sleep only 3 or 4 hours a night. The rest of the night I lay there worrying or thinking too much.

6.) I have ocd when it comes to folding and hanging clothes. Chris always does them the wrong way to get me pissed off. He thinks it is funny.

So I don't know many bloggers and two of the people I know have already been tagged so I tag

On the ttc front, this one was a bust. AF showed her ugly face.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

2 more days

Can I wait two more days before I test again? I haven't been posting because I have been wanting write something positive or uplifting. I want to quit complaining. Work is still the same, no surprise. So what should I write about? I do nothing but work and things around the house. I don't go out to hang out with anyone. First of all, I am not the most trusting of people. So I can count the people I call friends on one hand. Bad thing is none of them live around here. Therefore there isn't anyone that I want to hang out with. I need to learn to how to do other things on here. I got tagged by Shari and I don't know how to link on the post. Smart not!! I also want to know how to link other blogs onto my page like everyone else. I guess I need to play around on this more. Maybe someone can bgive me some hints on how to do that????

Monday, January 14, 2008

Just quick note

Yestarday I had spotting but none today. I am starting to get my hopes up really high for this cycle. I just hope it is it!! I don't want to let everyone down. So many people think this one is it too, especially my parents and Mike. Good luck to everyone in the tww and Tammy hun you are always in my thoughts!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Fed up!

Most of you may know that I live with my parents because of when dad was diagnosed with cancer. He has been taken off chemo so I really don't need to stay here for the "in case" for my mom. The thing is my mother is and alcholic and today I just got really mad and started yelling at her. She starting drinking before noon today and started bugging the crap out of my son. He started ignoring her and she yelled at him and told him to go to his room. Really he didn't do anything wrong. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Okay I am done venting.

On the ttc note , the insems went well and I really happy with the timing. I am not temping this time because I would really stress myself out obsessing. Mike is really a gem. Everytime I talk to him now he asks me if I am pregnant. He keeps saying he sent a really special batch this time. He is so funny.

Monday, January 7, 2008


Sorry I haven't written in awhile. When I got back to work from vacation my store was a complete disaster area. I could not believe my entire team let me down the way the did. I not only had to fix alot of things but I had to write almost everyone up.

On a better note, tomorrow is insem day!! I am so excited. Mike is so great. He called this morning and told me my baby girl is in the mail. How cute, it really put a smile on my face.