Saturday, November 3, 2007

Stepping away....

I am taking a break for the ttc board for awhile. I feel like such a bad person. I should be happy for all my friends who just got a bfp but I am so sad inside. I had a breakdown last night and everytime I stop working I break into tears. I didn't think it would hurt me so much. Chris really tried to comfort me last night but it just didn't work. Even now the tears are running down my face. I really thought by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't believe that I can't get myself back up from this one. It's not just ttc. Finances are not the greatest right now and I can't spoil the kids for Christmas. I normally spoil all the kids, nieces, nephews and some of my employees kids. Well not this year. I am not really in the spirit either. I just want to run away, far, far away.
To Tammy and Shari I will still check on you guys. Good luck to both of you.


twondra said...

Awwww, sweetie. I'm sooooo sorry. YOU'RE NOT A BAD PERSON!!! You can't think like that. It's perfectly natural and normal to be sad when others get BFPs. To be honest, I'm the same way...especially with those who have only tried 1-2 times. It just doesn't seem fair. I don't know the reasoning behind it. I do know that if I would've gotten pg the first or second time, I wouldn't have made as many friends as I have now and I wouldn't have the close relationships I have with some of the girls on the board (that includes you!)....and I wouldn't give that up for the world. So, in some ways I'm "happy" it's taking so other ways, IT SUCKS!!! Hang in there sweetie! Take the time you need....grieve as long as it takes. You need to. Don't let anyone else tell you when you should be "okay". Sending you lots of hugs. (((HUGS)))

RainbowMomma said...

Tammy's right. You are NOT a bad person for feeling sad for yourself during someone else's happiness. You are grieving your own happy moment which has not yet come. That's perfectly normal. I take time away form the board (for me, it only lasts a day or two) whenever I need it. I don't really mention it on the board, so no one really notices much and that's how I like it. When I come back in a day or two, then I FEEL like being there.

There have been alot of BFP's lately, but there have also been alot of miscarriages and that kind of freaks me out, too.

I never thought about it in the way that tammy said it. She's probably right. If I had gotten my BFP right away, I probably would not have gotten as close to many of you as I have. It's a good thing coming from a bad thing. (Kind of like when my partner met one of her best friends because they had radiation at the same time every day for 7 weeks.)

Give yourself a break. Both from the baord and from the hard time you are giving yourself.

twondra said...

Thanks for the support and encouragement on my blog. That makes me feel better. I just wanted to say thanks. (((HUGS)))

How are you doing? I hope you're doing okay. I think about you a lot girl!

RainbowMomma said...

Just wanted to say HI Lyndsey and that we're thinking about you and hoping you're doing well.