Saturday, May 2, 2009

the quiet one

That is what I have to called quite a bit. I have been hurt by alot of people by letting my feeling and thoughts be out in the open. So a long time ago I closed up and don't let many people in. I have been doing alot of thinking which doesn't help with the not sleeping. I have so much anger inside sometimes that it hurts physically. I get angry at Chris for not trying with donor sperm sooner. With pcos, endometriosis, and peri-menopausal if I had been able to try sooner maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. I get angry for him jumping jobs so much, that maybe if he had stayed with a job we could have paid for treatments sooner.

I am feeling sorry for myself today I know. Mother nature is not the nicest and it just reminds me of another month no baby. It all show physically too. I haven't worn make-up in the last 3 months(since chris has been gone) because I cry at the drop of a hat. The bags under my eyes look like someone is ready to take a year long trip. I don't sleep hardly at all one maybe two hours a night. I also haven't been eating right, to which my mother has started noticing and made my dad fix me dinner. I normally don't eat with them since I am a vegetarian and none them are.

I should be happy, Chris is coming home on Tuesday. I am actually taking a wed off to spend the day with him.

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