Well..

To clarify on my post since someone decided to leave a comment. I want a child with all my heart, don't care how. I have and am looking into adoption as well as the ivf. There is some issues with adoption. But we may still do adoption even if we go through ivf.

ivf

I went for a consultation for ivf today and boy am I overwhelmed. Now how am I suppose to come up with that kind of money? I have a friend who has been through with not so good results. So is it worth trying?

runaway returning?

So I ran away from everything and everyone. I am still far away. I have still been ttcing, just don't go on any boards because I can not take any positives when I continue to get negatives. we are still going to ttc but now are working on adoption, even an older child. I have so much love to give and it seems like I don't have enough people to show. I keep stealing my nieces and nephews from my sister as much as I possibly can. I am working on buying the house across the street from my parents. I still live with my parents because of my mother, so the house across the street would be perfect and I could have more kids! I hope everyone is okay.

Time heals...

nothing. The saying time heals all wounds is not really true. I have been talking to my first since the last post and there is still alot there. We figured out that my parents split us up. And that I never got over him. We have spent so much time talking that his wife is got upset. Here is the thing we are an ocean apart. He is in England and here I am stateside. I have done alot of self discovery lately. I am not going to ttc for awhile. Not until decide what to do about the silence between me and Chris. I thought it was me but I have tried alot with him lately and I don't think it is me. So until I figure what would be best for me and my son, there will be no ttc. I was sad about it but I think in the long run it will be for the better. I may end up being a smbc. Who knows. What I do know is that things need to change around here. I am working on moving out of this house with my parents. This means slowly putting the idea into their heads like it is their idea. They really don't want me and my son to move but I think it will be better because sometimes they treat me like a teenager. Anyways I am saving for a vacation to England to visit family. Good luck to all of you that are still ttc.

How can you make up for the past?

As in my previous post I have gotten in contact with my first love. The reason why we split had to do with my parents. I can't ask my parents why they did what they did because I am sure it would be said it was because they thought it was best for me. I have dealt with alot over the years most of which I am sure if he and I had stayed together I would not have gone through. Chris is a great guy in many ways. but truth be told I did not tell him I loved him for a long time. It only changed when agreed to ttc with ds. There is still problems. All married people have problems. To see him in pictures now hurts and yes I am jealous. I won't tell him that, nor will I tell chris. It's nice to understand what has happened but nothing can be changed no matter how much you want it.

Here I am

Okay so I am a horrible blogger. But I am not the person that I want to be. So Ihave been working very hard at changing me. I have gotten in touch with my first love and sorted out some things that happened between. I did that because the reason I do alot of the things I do is because of it. I amstill working on my journey which is harder than I thought.

Another bfn

That's right another bfn. I am going to go to a chiroproator and an acupuncturist on Friday. I really thought this one would work.

Why do some family members think they can cheer me up with a gift. My sister has been getting me dolls. UGLY porcelain dolls. Yes I do have some collectable ones. But I normally get them because they appeal to me. Others get them for me as to appease my want of a baby. Like it really helps.