How can you make up for the past?

As in my previous post I have gotten in contact with my first love. The reason why we split had to do with my parents. I can't ask my parents why they did what they did because I am sure it would be said it was because they thought it was best for me. I have dealt with alot over the years most of which I am sure if he and I had stayed together I would not have gone through. Chris is a great guy in many ways. but truth be told I did not tell him I loved him for a long time. It only changed when agreed to ttc with ds. There is still problems. All married people have problems. To see him in pictures now hurts and yes I am jealous. I won't tell him that, nor will I tell chris. It's nice to understand what has happened but nothing can be changed no matter how much you want it.

Here I am

Okay so I am a horrible blogger. But I am not the person that I want to be. So Ihave been working very hard at changing me. I have gotten in touch with my first love and sorted out some things that happened between. I did that because the reason I do alot of the things I do is because of it. I amstill working on my journey which is harder than I thought.

Another bfn

That's right another bfn. I am going to go to a chiroproator and an acupuncturist on Friday. I really thought this one would work.

Why do some family members think they can cheer me up with a gift. My sister has been getting me dolls. UGLY porcelain dolls. Yes I do have some collectable ones. But I normally get them because they appeal to me. Others get them for me as to appease my want of a baby. Like it really helps.

2 weeks are almost up

and I haven't tested yet. I was going to test but my mom thinks I should wait a couple more days. Is she for real? I can't promise I will wait I will try though. Chris really thinks it worked this time though. One of our deals were that I would grow my long if we used DS. Well I really don't like my hair long at all. It has made it to my shoulders. Thanks for reading guys. I know it can be boring. I have been told I need to open up more(by a therapist). I will try more. I did write a long post a couple of days ago and erased it, lol.

Oh great

So two IUI's done. My timing is definately different this time. I hope it works. I went by cervix position not by opk's.

Okay I have gotten into poison ivy. Yeh and it itches bad. Plus blisters oh great.

Surprise!

As some of you know I have been having trouble with depression. I had some dr appts on Fri and we are still no where as far as I can tell. Anyways we had put ttc on hold because of finances. Both of our insurances do not cover anything so we would need $4000. to go to the next step with fertility dr. Chris and I had discussed trying at home again but that was all we did. Well Friday evening Chris ordered for Wed without me. He even had to pick out another donor because the ones we had tried before were not available. So I guess we are trying this month after all. I am not even sure which donor he picked. Not like it matters.

I want to run away

Sorry for those who care I am having a hard time dealing with depression at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone see anyone or do anything. You are all in my thoughts.