I am really a b.itch

Or I can be anyway. I was going through some old things looking for pictures. I found letters from when I was in basic training for the army. I had joined for a stable job and income for my family and I was going to leave Chris. Anyways he kept his letters and I had kept mine. I was always getting onto to him about changing things. Guess what? Its the same things that we argue about now. HHMMM maybe things will be different this year. ROTFL really?

Alot of work

I work alot of hours so I feel I miss out alot with the kids. So here are more pics.

Since I have my neice

I have my niece alot these days, which I love. I am mommy two to her. She is def stubborn like her mom but her smile is always worth it. So here are few pics. By the way the Santa is my dad, my mom custom made the suit for him a few years ago after he was diagnosed with cancer.

hahahah

Okay so its been awhile. I read everyones blogs. I think of all of you everyday.

To catch up on me. I have had terrible insomnia, I didn't sleep for three straight months. I had two sleeps studies and all they can come up with is two forms of insomnia. I sleep a little every now and then but for the most part I still don't sleep even on strong meds. I am even on anit depressants and go to a therapist. But still sleep does not come easily. The only really good sleep I get is when we go up to PA to visit family.

chris is home....

Yep he's home and for the first few days I was happy he was here. Now I can't get out of being depressed. I am so upset that I can't get the money up for ivf sooner than next year if we save real good. Right now we are planning on going to PA for the weekend next week then we are going back up for Chris's family reunion near the end of June.
Chris is going to be working out state in June until the vacation then the end of June he goes back out to Oregon. Ray and I will visit him in August for our second vacation. But other than that we aren't spending money on anything that we don't need. I want to run away so bad.

Sooooo many thoughts.....

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind. One thing is I should never watch tv!! Chris and I were married by justice of the peace. And i definately regret not having a wedding. I really feel that I have missed out on alot, plus my dad never got to walk me down the aisle. So of course you can tell I have watched movies with weddings. So I am still feeling sorry for myself. Wrong I know.

I am still trying for figure out ways to afford the ivf. Winning the lottery has not worked yet, haha. I stash any leftover money after paying bills into a savings account away from Chris. It will take a year to do it this way. I feel like I am running out of time. So what to do? I feel so alone so often. I know there are plenty of infertile couples, with alot more problems than me. It's just that no one around me has this problem or had a problem getting pregnant. I just don't what to do where to go.

I do all the projects around the house to try to keep my mind occupied. It has been raining the last three days so there hasn't been anything for me to do, except watch tv. It's so so bad. Well I am done complaining.

Tammy I hope you are doing well and Mark too.

the quiet one

That is what I have to called quite a bit. I have been hurt by alot of people by letting my feeling and thoughts be out in the open. So a long time ago I closed up and don't let many people in. I have been doing alot of thinking which doesn't help with the not sleeping. I have so much anger inside sometimes that it hurts physically. I get angry at Chris for not trying with donor sperm sooner. With pcos, endometriosis, and peri-menopausal if I had been able to try sooner maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. I get angry for him jumping jobs so much, that maybe if he had stayed with a job we could have paid for treatments sooner.

I am feeling sorry for myself today I know. Mother nature is not the nicest and it just reminds me of another month no baby. It all show physically too. I haven't worn make-up in the last 3 months(since chris has been gone) because I cry at the drop of a hat. The bags under my eyes look like someone is ready to take a year long trip. I don't sleep hardly at all one maybe two hours a night. I also haven't been eating right, to which my mother has started noticing and made my dad fix me dinner. I normally don't eat with them since I am a vegetarian and none them are.

I should be happy, Chris is coming home on Tuesday. I am actually taking a wed off to spend the day with him.