Updating

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. When I got back to work from vacation my store was a complete disaster area. I could not believe my entire team let me down the way the did. I not only had to fix alot of things but I had to write almost everyone up.

On a better note, tomorrow is insem day!! I am so excited. Mike is so great. He called this morning and told me my baby girl is in the mail. How cute, it really put a smile on my face.

Really???

Really why is so hard for me to eat. I decided to start jornaling my eating habits to try to get better well here is today--

1 bowl of Quaker Multigrain hot cereal 120 calories
no lunch
1 plate of pasta with a little alfredo sauce worst case 500 calories
2 cookies
4 bottles of water

That is all I have eaten today. I am not hungry nor do I want to eat. I really need to work harder. Bad thing is that is better than yestarday. My weight 200 lbs, height 6ft, mood okay, headache none, job found none. I go back to work on the 28th.

On a different note, I cannot wait until Christmas. We drew names for the adults in the family for gifts this year and my mom told me she got Chris. She told today what she got. Chris likes and used to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Shows. Well she got him the dvd. Since I am with him I asked my dad to go to the nearest(yes I really asked him this) sex shop and get me and outfit to fit Chris to go with the dvd, plus a feather duster. I am going to give him the outfit first then he gets the dvd. Oh I cannot wait this will be funny!!! I have also finished shopping for the kids but have not wrapped a single thing so you know what I will be doing Christmas Eve!

Time to find myself......

First of all I am on vacation, an amazing thing all on its own. Second I think I want to change careers. I mean really, I work 80 hours a week for what? A paycheck that gets us by, that doesn't bother me as much as it gets us by without me. Think about it. I am at work so much that by the time I get home I am so tired I rarely want to do anything with anyone and if I am not tired I have a headache or migraine. It is not worth. Besides I have already been told by the dr that I need to get my stress down for ttc. That won't happen with my job. So what should I do?
Here is a major issue, I bring in the most money for our family. How am I suppose to work and go to school. Please don't tell me online school because I already tried that one and couldn't get that done either with my work schedule. I have been thinking of nursing but again it comes down to school and work. I feel stuck. Chris has some well off family members maybe I can do some wheeling and dealing while I am up here he-he-he. Yeah right.

Headaches

I have been getting either headaches or migraines everyday for the last few months. I thought maybe it was my eyes and had my eyes checked and the prescribtion is the same. So I finally went to the dr and I have to go for a ct scan on Tues and I have to take Topomax everyday and something else if I have one come on. It could all be stress. Really it could. I have been trying to lose weight just by eating right and really the only thing I have done is cut out soda. Well my dad wanted me to count my calories because believe it or not he thinks I don't eat enough. Well he could be right ALL of the calories I had Tues including a candy bar were 800. That is awful. I guess I need to eat right, really right. I didn't realize how hard that is for me. I had dealt with anorexia 8 years ago and thought I beat it but I guess I haven't.

Tammy girl you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

Kids say the cutest things.....

I was watching my neices and nephews the other day day and was playing horsey with the 5year old Griffin. I was getting tired and told him I was getting too old to play like that. Well he said "Lyndsey your not old you are still new". Well that cracked me up and made my day but I kept talking to him about it and asked him if Grandma and Papa were old. Well he then said " Old people can't walk, so papa is still new and grandma is just a little old because she needs to use the wheelchair." Okay now I am rolling on the floor laughing. Got to love kids.

A little note on me for those who care. I am feeling a little better about things. I have decided to give Chris an ultimantum(sp?). He either gets his self together with work and things AND start talking to me more or after the holidays he needs to find somewhere to live. I figured out that I had been blaming myself for everthing, and guess what it is not my fault for alot of it. It is however my fault for letting things continue the way they have. The only way things are going to change for me is if I make them happen. I however can see I cannot make others change they have to change themselves and want that change. The unfortunate thing is that the change may not be with us as being a family. I cannot continue to be depress and after almost 9 years of being married and being on antidressants for 8 of those years, something has got to change.

Need to find something to pick me up....

.......or someone. Believe it or not I hate this time of year. My mother is an alchoholic and drinks more this time of year. My sister bickers about every little thing wrong with our family. I have to go visit the in-laws in PA, which most of them are stuck up and don't even talk to me. And I am reminded of everything that has gone wrong. I am already depressed and as days get closer to the holidays the more I want to runaway. Chris really doesn't talk with me about anything and it is driving me nuts. Plus he drags his butt on everything so it seems like I nag him to death but if he did things by the third time I reminded him I wouldn't be such a nag. These are things that he needs to do for him or the kids not even for me or us so I don't understand him.

I realized yestarday that because so many people have hurt me in the past that I can count my friends on one hand. I have tons of people I know but hardly anyone I can go talk to when I am upset. Even the people I do call friends don't live around here any more. I feel so lost and alone. This is not a pity me party, so just plain facts of my life and I hate it.

Thank you Shari and Tammy you guys are wonderful!

Stepping away....

I am taking a break for the ttc board for awhile. I feel like such a bad person. I should be happy for all my friends who just got a bfp but I am so sad inside. I had a breakdown last night and everytime I stop working I break into tears. I didn't think it would hurt me so much. Chris really tried to comfort me last night but it just didn't work. Even now the tears are running down my face. I really thought by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't believe that I can't get myself back up from this one. It's not just ttc. Finances are not the greatest right now and I can't spoil the kids for Christmas. I normally spoil all the kids, nieces, nephews and some of my employees kids. Well not this year. I am not really in the spirit either. I just want to run away, far, far away.
To Tammy and Shari I will still check on you guys. Good luck to both of you.