Headaches

I have been getting either headaches or migraines everyday for the last few months. I thought maybe it was my eyes and had my eyes checked and the prescribtion is the same. So I finally went to the dr and I have to go for a ct scan on Tues and I have to take Topomax everyday and something else if I have one come on. It could all be stress. Really it could. I have been trying to lose weight just by eating right and really the only thing I have done is cut out soda. Well my dad wanted me to count my calories because believe it or not he thinks I don't eat enough. Well he could be right ALL of the calories I had Tues including a candy bar were 800. That is awful. I guess I need to eat right, really right. I didn't realize how hard that is for me. I had dealt with anorexia 8 years ago and thought I beat it but I guess I haven't.

Tammy girl you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

Kids say the cutest things.....

I was watching my neices and nephews the other day day and was playing horsey with the 5year old Griffin. I was getting tired and told him I was getting too old to play like that. Well he said "Lyndsey your not old you are still new". Well that cracked me up and made my day but I kept talking to him about it and asked him if Grandma and Papa were old. Well he then said " Old people can't walk, so papa is still new and grandma is just a little old because she needs to use the wheelchair." Okay now I am rolling on the floor laughing. Got to love kids.

A little note on me for those who care. I am feeling a little better about things. I have decided to give Chris an ultimantum(sp?). He either gets his self together with work and things AND start talking to me more or after the holidays he needs to find somewhere to live. I figured out that I had been blaming myself for everthing, and guess what it is not my fault for alot of it. It is however my fault for letting things continue the way they have. The only way things are going to change for me is if I make them happen. I however can see I cannot make others change they have to change themselves and want that change. The unfortunate thing is that the change may not be with us as being a family. I cannot continue to be depress and after almost 9 years of being married and being on antidressants for 8 of those years, something has got to change.

Need to find something to pick me up....

.......or someone. Believe it or not I hate this time of year. My mother is an alchoholic and drinks more this time of year. My sister bickers about every little thing wrong with our family. I have to go visit the in-laws in PA, which most of them are stuck up and don't even talk to me. And I am reminded of everything that has gone wrong. I am already depressed and as days get closer to the holidays the more I want to runaway. Chris really doesn't talk with me about anything and it is driving me nuts. Plus he drags his butt on everything so it seems like I nag him to death but if he did things by the third time I reminded him I wouldn't be such a nag. These are things that he needs to do for him or the kids not even for me or us so I don't understand him.

I realized yestarday that because so many people have hurt me in the past that I can count my friends on one hand. I have tons of people I know but hardly anyone I can go talk to when I am upset. Even the people I do call friends don't live around here any more. I feel so lost and alone. This is not a pity me party, so just plain facts of my life and I hate it.

Thank you Shari and Tammy you guys are wonderful!

Stepping away....

I am taking a break for the ttc board for awhile. I feel like such a bad person. I should be happy for all my friends who just got a bfp but I am so sad inside. I had a breakdown last night and everytime I stop working I break into tears. I didn't think it would hurt me so much. Chris really tried to comfort me last night but it just didn't work. Even now the tears are running down my face. I really thought by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't believe that I can't get myself back up from this one. It's not just ttc. Finances are not the greatest right now and I can't spoil the kids for Christmas. I normally spoil all the kids, nieces, nephews and some of my employees kids. Well not this year. I am not really in the spirit either. I just want to run away, far, far away.
To Tammy and Shari I will still check on you guys. Good luck to both of you.

Just another day

Thank you for the comments and support ladies. Another 13 hour day of work, lucky me. I am ready for vacation, but who knows when that will be. Chris is going to try to get a new job. He may work out of town most of the week. The insurance is better and the pay is twice what he makes now. That would take alot of stress off me. Since we have been married I have been the one who works consitantly and makes the most money. So I have always paid all the bills. I am so ready for him to take over and be the "man of the house" for once.

I talked to my best friend today and I really wished he lived closer. I can't do much to help him from here and that upsets me. He knows how much I care and that I want to help but I can't. He does so much to cheer me up, I just wish I could do more for him. I am really looking forward to seeing him in Feb.

Good luck to all still TTC, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Trying to find the new plan

Well first of all I have to say stress may be the biggest factor in me not getting pregnant. I have been working 85 hours a week and was ready to quit today. I finally got some time away from my store and of course it is because I am sick. Not to mention everything else that is going on. My parents have been wonderfully supportive. My dad brought me flowers to work which really helped the other day. My best friend is wonderful too. No matter what is going on he finds away to cheer me up. Now my husband on the other hand is very stand offish. It is driving me mad. I really need to discuss things with him and he doesn't want me to get upset. So instead of helping me through it he leaves me to dwell on it. Not the best thing for me right now.

So on my own I am trying to find my plan. I am waiting until probably Feb to try again. In the meantime I am going to try to get an HSG done to make sure everything is clear. Also I think I am going to take vacation in Feb to be with my donor around O time. This will save on shipping and give me some time to relax away from everyone else that is bringing me down. Well that is start of my plan.j

Updating

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been very hectic and so negative. I don't want to go into details because if I write it down then I have to think about it more. If I think about it more I get depressed.

On another note.....we took the kids to the mountains last weekend and we went mining!! It was very fun and educational for the kids. It was also informing for me. I really want to move to the mountains and away from the city. I am going to what we have to do to move. It won't be just my husband and kids but also my parents and perhaps even my sister and her kids. But maybe in a year or two.