Alot of work

I work alot of hours so I feel I miss out alot with the kids. So here are more pics.

Since I have my neice

I have my niece alot these days, which I love. I am mommy two to her. She is def stubborn like her mom but her smile is always worth it. So here are few pics. By the way the Santa is my dad, my mom custom made the suit for him a few years ago after he was diagnosed with cancer.

hahahah

Okay so its been awhile. I read everyones blogs. I think of all of you everyday.

To catch up on me. I have had terrible insomnia, I didn't sleep for three straight months. I had two sleeps studies and all they can come up with is two forms of insomnia. I sleep a little every now and then but for the most part I still don't sleep even on strong meds. I am even on anit depressants and go to a therapist. But still sleep does not come easily. The only really good sleep I get is when we go up to PA to visit family.

chris is home....

Yep he's home and for the first few days I was happy he was here. Now I can't get out of being depressed. I am so upset that I can't get the money up for ivf sooner than next year if we save real good. Right now we are planning on going to PA for the weekend next week then we are going back up for Chris's family reunion near the end of June.
Chris is going to be working out state in June until the vacation then the end of June he goes back out to Oregon. Ray and I will visit him in August for our second vacation. But other than that we aren't spending money on anything that we don't need. I want to run away so bad.

Sooooo many thoughts.....

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind. One thing is I should never watch tv!! Chris and I were married by justice of the peace. And i definately regret not having a wedding. I really feel that I have missed out on alot, plus my dad never got to walk me down the aisle. So of course you can tell I have watched movies with weddings. So I am still feeling sorry for myself. Wrong I know.

I am still trying for figure out ways to afford the ivf. Winning the lottery has not worked yet, haha. I stash any leftover money after paying bills into a savings account away from Chris. It will take a year to do it this way. I feel like I am running out of time. So what to do? I feel so alone so often. I know there are plenty of infertile couples, with alot more problems than me. It's just that no one around me has this problem or had a problem getting pregnant. I just don't what to do where to go.

I do all the projects around the house to try to keep my mind occupied. It has been raining the last three days so there hasn't been anything for me to do, except watch tv. It's so so bad. Well I am done complaining.

Tammy I hope you are doing well and Mark too.

the quiet one

That is what I have to called quite a bit. I have been hurt by alot of people by letting my feeling and thoughts be out in the open. So a long time ago I closed up and don't let many people in. I have been doing alot of thinking which doesn't help with the not sleeping. I have so much anger inside sometimes that it hurts physically. I get angry at Chris for not trying with donor sperm sooner. With pcos, endometriosis, and peri-menopausal if I had been able to try sooner maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. I get angry for him jumping jobs so much, that maybe if he had stayed with a job we could have paid for treatments sooner.

I am feeling sorry for myself today I know. Mother nature is not the nicest and it just reminds me of another month no baby. It all show physically too. I haven't worn make-up in the last 3 months(since chris has been gone) because I cry at the drop of a hat. The bags under my eyes look like someone is ready to take a year long trip. I don't sleep hardly at all one maybe two hours a night. I also haven't been eating right, to which my mother has started noticing and made my dad fix me dinner. I normally don't eat with them since I am a vegetarian and none them are.

I should be happy, Chris is coming home on Tuesday. I am actually taking a wed off to spend the day with him.

the garden work for the weekend

hopefully go can get the scope of what I have done so far today.

more pics

Okay so I am not the best at this blog set up so here are some more pics

These are of the screen door I put up and the frame I made to hold it.

PIctures of projects

Not much to write about so I am just going to show some things I have done lately.

This is after I had started cutting down a crab apple tree. I didn't get many photos and they were taken with my phone.

What's the juice?

Okay I don't eat right if I eat at all. So last week I bought a juicer. Yes I bought it last week and just used it tonight. So I started off simple with something I love, apple juice made from granny smith apples. So mad some juice for work tomorrow. So what did I make? Any guess? Really no guess. Well carrot and celery. It was simple and what I had. I have tons of recipes from several books so I will go shopping to make some more veggies and fruit juices. Any suggestions welcomed.

As for projects nothing today. I just didn't have time. With making juice, cleaning the juicer folding laundry.

Sunday

First of all thank you Tammy for your comment. I know not many people read this but I am going to start writing alot more. More for me than anything else. Chris has been in Oregon since Feb. so I have been doing everything on my own, including getting the last bfn news. I have cut down a crab apple tree and other jobs. I am doing more projects around the house that I am going to document. It has been nice seeing things done.

I am still going to try for ivf. I just need to find a way to get the money up. I want so much to carry my baby, that I am not going to give up for anyone. I have already put some money away because if Chris is is working he can't spend any money. So I just need to work on something to get more.

I must go now and do some plumbing, the sink is leaking. Lets see how I can mess this up!!!

Well..

To clarify on my post since someone decided to leave a comment. I want a child with all my heart, don't care how. I have and am looking into adoption as well as the ivf. There is some issues with adoption. But we may still do adoption even if we go through ivf.

ivf

I went for a consultation for ivf today and boy am I overwhelmed. Now how am I suppose to come up with that kind of money? I have a friend who has been through with not so good results. So is it worth trying?