Random Thoughts and Ramblings

Lost in Thought

2011-12-12T16:39:00.000-08:00

I drive an hour to and from work everyday. I have plenty of time to think and rehash happenings of my day before getting home, making it easier to leave work at work. So I have decided to start sharing some of the things are that go through my mind. There are some of the normal things like what bills to pay, what to make for dinner, and plans for the weekend. But I seriously get lost in thought.

For example, the manners that people exhibit these days. I grew up a military brat and was taught to be polite to everyone. I have also lived a few different places. Most recently last year we moved to PA, to be close to my in laws. Whenever I have met anyone new, dr's office, daycare, etc, I always address the person with sir or ma'am. The reaction I have gotten from people is to me quite surprisng, "you're not from around here are you". Seriously? So first I thought it was my "accent" but with my curious nature I had to ask why they would say that because I obviously don't have a southern accent. The answer has always been the same, most people aren't that polite.

So that brings me to think, is that how we are now raising our children these days? Or is the media? I know my son says yes ma'am, no sir, etc. I honestly don't have an answer. I am not one to do any studies on people and the effects of the media or the lack of time so parents get to spend with their children. I just want to make you think. Perhaps just setting the example and changing one little thing will cause others to change to.

Have a lovely day and thank you for reading.

Going back to work.

2011-01-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

Today I was suppose to go back to work after having my little princess. Well she has had other ideas. Yestarday we did a kind of trial run leaving baby girl with her daddy while I went to an appt. Well it didn't work because breastfed little momma has decided she doesn't like any of the bottle nipples that we got. So baby girl went to work with me and I didn't get much done at all. Oh well we will try again tomorrow. I love it. I am so lucky my boss understands.

New Year New Me

2011-01-18T08:30:00.000-08:00

I am starting off this year trying to be more positive. I always am with work but when it comes to my personal life I have always been quite negative and reclusive. So this year I am going to do more for me and not dwell on a lot that has happened in the past. I am no longer going to wonder why my mother didn't like me or treated me the way she did. She is no longer here so I will never have the answers and she won't be able to hurt me the way she did either. So why should even think about it anymore. I am going get fit and do more things outdoors, including meeting new people. I have kept to myself since I was in high school, only having a handful of close friends. I have friends that I have met online ( Tammy) that have showed me not all people are mean and hateful. I have also learned that what some people have done in the past are not who they are now. I can learn to trust, slowly of course at first but I must try. I am looking forward to this new year. I hope everyone else is too.

This past year in ramblings.

2010-12-31T15:04:00.000-08:00

I am going to try to sum up this past year. Or perhaps not. I have not enjoyed this year as much as I had hoped. I know that sounds horrible. I love my baby girl but there has been so much that has gone wrong. Of course there was Chris being layed off twice. That has been hitting us hard all year, its hard to pick back up from that. It would have been easier if we hadn't moved as we used our savings that we had left for that. I feel horrible that we haven't been able to do more for Ray this year. He is such a great kid. He keeps saying he wants to get a job so he can help but I just want he to be a kid. And talking of kids, I miss my sister's brood. I miss them an extreme lot. I haven't been away from my dad but 3 Christmas's ( this was the third) and my nieces and nephews never. So it has been an extremely hard holiday for me. I haven't been there to help my dad through it either which upsets me too. Not to mention not having my mother anymore. I am sometimes angry at her and other times just sad. It's a little hard to explain which I am not going to do right now.

But enough, everyone have a happy new year.

A few pics of ou new adition

2010-12-21T15:56:00.000-08:00

Just a few pics of our new addition, Kierra Michelle.

One of the furbabies

2010-12-05T07:56:00.000-08:00

I had a friend suggest a service dog for a family member for his diabetes and thought I would share some things about my furbaby Puddin. Yes we named the dog Puddin, at the time we weren't suppose to keep her as we would find homes for stray dogs that turned up at our house. We lived near the interstate and for the most part it didn't look any homes were near the exit but we were quite close just hidden by trees. We ended up with Puddin and her sister as puppies, as well as other dogs at the time. I had to call the pups something when I would call all the dogs back to the house. As we were living in the south I had a habit at that time of calling everyone puddin or hun. Well we found a home for Puddin's sister but not her. Our rotweiller was sick and had taken to Puddin as her own so we gave our rotty a dog of her. I know it sounds funny but was glad we had another dog in the house when Casey did pass, it made it a little easier on Raylen.

Anyways on to why I thought to share about her in first place. You see I think she would have made an excellent service dog. She is very sensitive to me and how I feel. If anyone raises there voice in any manner other than calling someone to the room she is right at my side. If I am upset she is trying to crawl into my lap. The last few weeks she doesn't leave my for much, lays on my feet or is at my feet at night. We even have trouble watching sports because as anyone who gets involved into watching sports understands at some point yelling at the tv always happens. Well she doesn't like it. She is very loving and jealous dog. If I try to love on the other dog or cat she is pushing her way in. Now I wonder how she will handle having a baby in house. I have treated the animals like kids for some time now so it may be hard for all of them. But I will love them just the same, they just won't be able to be in lap as often.

Holidays

2010-11-25T06:19:00.001-08:00

I used dread this time of year. Not that I didn't enjoy giving to gifts to the kids its not that at all. It was only one person that made me dread this time of year and she is no longer here. My mom was an alchoholic that denied it to her last day. This time of year she always thought she had the right to drink more during the holidays. The problem was she was a very mean drinker. So every holiday we always had to endure the berating and insults. This is the first holiday with out her. I wish she had listened to me for once. She had so many other qualities that were hidden away because she let the alchohol rule her. She was a wonderful cook but she hardly ever cooked because her health went down hill.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.

2010-10-17T15:34:00.000-07:00

32 weeks, I don't think I will make it to 40.

Dear Mom,

2010-08-28T09:08:00.001-07:00

Dear Mom,

I am sorry I didn't get to see before you died. I am sorry that I couldn't be there. But I am glad that you are no longer in pain. I am sorry that you won't see the kids grow up and graduate become who they will be. I hope you have found peace and comfort at last.
Rest in Peace Sandra D Greer 1949-2010

Just a little note

2010-08-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

Raylen and I got into a conversation the other day that after reading a friend's blog I thought I would share. Raylen is my son from a previous relationship, so my husband is his stepdad. Here is the thing, he has never called Chris by anything other than dad or daddy. He used to called his "real" dad his biological father for quite some time, now he calls him pop. He really doesn't think of him as his dad. We got into the conversation about custody issues because of something my sister is going through with her kids. The question came up if anything happened who would he go with. Well I told him I had arranged that he would be able to pick because of his age. He has a choice of Chris, J(his bio dad), my parents or my sister. He said he would really like it put down that he stays with Chris. He wants it put down so no one argues about and that is what he wants. It made me very happy, because I know Chris would continue to raise him the way I want. The issue in my friend's blog was with adoptive parents and refering to the "real parent" when in fact the adoptive parent is the real parent. Chris and Raylen have never acted any differently and don't care what others think or comment about. They ARE family and I know the friend is too with her kids more than anyone I know. I hope she doesn't let her bother her for long. I know people are insensitive to adoptions of any kind but people are insensitive to a lot of things like religion etc. It is just a one perspective.

Thinking back

2010-08-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about my son as he was a little boy. He is fifteen now but gets mistaken for being at least 18. He is as tall as me and his voice is really low now. So I decided I might share some of the stories, even he likes talking about some of them. Let start by saying I have always called him baby or baby boy, and I do mean always. He hates it now but as anyone knows he will always be my baby. Which this brings me to the story.

Raylen was 4 almost 5 and he and I went grocery shopping. He was still small enough to fit in the seat in the cart and he was(is) a very huggy, loving little boy. We went to the check out where there was a young couple in front of us in a hug. He leans over the cart and hugs me and says he wants to marry me. I explain to him that he could marry me because he was my baby boy and you just can't do that. He smiled and promised me he would always be my baby boy then. Then he turned around and asked the young girl to marry him.

We were talking today and I told him how proud of him I am. I have been very lucky with him. I don't have to worry about him getting into trouble and he IS still me baby boy, though he may not admit to it as much. BUT he still gives me loads of hugs.

2010-07-18T11:33:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to post. I just try to make it through each day, one at a time. I wish Chris was here. Poor Raylen is trying his best to be the "man of the house".

feeling extremely alone

2010-07-03T16:06:00.000-07:00

I am not doing good these days. I am an introvert and lately I have become worse. Chris is gone and this is the most I have ever missed him. Sounds bad but it is just that I can normally handle alot of things on my own and right now I can't. He was out of work for three months and we were almost okay with savings but then with the moving it dragged us down. Well guess who is stuck with all of the phone calls and trying to find money on a tree? Plus trying to get the house settled and the animals settled. And then there is Raylen. We went to a barbque today at an uncle's house and well, he didn't feel like he fit and and wanted to go home as soon as I got there. It broke my heart. I wanted to move so he could get away from some of the things I went through and yet he is still turning out like me. To top it all off the friend I am going to see tomorrow went to VA first. Yes to where I just moved from to see some of our old school friends. Well I lived there fro 11 years after moving back from England and no one wanted to catch up with me while I was there. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy when she keeps sending me texts of I am with so and so do you remember them. Then even though I moved away from my mother she can still call and make me feel like crap. Sorry but I had to vent Chris isn't off of work and I really don't have any friends here yet like that is a surprise.

Have a great fourth all.

A little about me

2010-06-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

I just thought I would tell a little about myself. So here goes. I am very private. I don't go out and I don't really socialize. I have been very hurt by people growing up by people who were suppose to be my friends and even my own family. So I am not very trusting or open.

Now saying that this fourth of july I am going to meet up with an old "friend" who just one of these people. We were only in the eighth grade the last time I saw her and we have done alot of growing up since. She even apologized for the things she did, the first time we talked since that time. Here is the thing, I am actually very nervous. I shouldn't be. She has been very supportive of me on some things and always checks up on me on fa.ce.book. It is still not the same as seeing each other in person and having the security of the phone or computer screen in between. I have been to therapy and I still just can't get over some things or I should say I just can't forget. This all seems so silly but maybe its just the emotions of being pregnant.

Thanks for reading.

Week 15

2010-06-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

Today is the start of week 15. I have so much to do. Raylen got here this weekend and we have tons to do. Chris also left for VA and from there he goes to California for three months. So I really don't have much to write about.

A "plan"

2010-06-08T15:19:00.000-07:00

Well the decision on helping our friend was a no brainer. When I talked to Chris, he said of course, I was wondering when you were going to say it. So here is our plan right now. First of all get everything situated with the house and kids. Raylen is still not here yet and I think I should get them all settled. Then call my RE. I had already talked about T to my RE so it will just be all paperwork and they handle it. I know I will have to be tested again for everything. So I know you will read this T, get in touch with us!

baby

2010-06-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

13 weeks 1 day. Need I say more?

New start

2010-06-06T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well we are "in" the new house. I say "in" because we are here but not totally unpacked and well Raylen isn't here yet, not until school is out. So new house and new job going great. Of course some things could be better but hey they could be worse too.

I started showing so I had to go get some maternity clothes because none of my pants fit. It is sooner than I thought, but not complaining. My next appt is the 17th.

I have been doing alot of thinking about a friend I have never met, which I am sure she will read this. With all that I have been through infertility wise, she has been through more. She has an amazing support system with her family, something I wish I had. Seeing her amazing strength gives me insperation to do more for my family even though they don't for me. Anyways I still need to discuss things with Chris but we have 14 snow babies and well maybe I could help her and her husband out. Its a thought that has been going through my mind since we finally got our positive test.

Well I hope everyone is well. I need to go unpack more.

been here but not.

2010-05-23T05:03:00.000-07:00

We are still in the process of moving to PA. Which right now is really hard for me. My son has stayed in Va to finish the school year and I really miss him. Chris is only here for a few days when he comes up and I still don't have my house set up. I am staying with Chris's grandparents, which I love. I love my new job and I love the area. I just miss having my boys with me. We found a lovely 4 bedroom house for only 550 a month. So each child can have a room(Chris's kids when we actually have them for visits).

I haven't been posting on here because I know a friend who reads this has been having a difficult time and I wanted to there for her(as much as I could). Well baby things are going well. We have finally told everyone. I was wanting to keep it quiet for awhile in case anything went wrong. Now that we are into month 3, its a lot safer. My clothes are starting to be tight even though I don't think I am showing yet, I had a bit of a pouch before hand.

Guess What???

2010-04-07T14:14:00.000-07:00

I am pregnant!!!!!! It has been 4 years of hard trying, waiting to be able to say that! I am so happy! Moving to PA, new job and pregnant!

Finally updating here.

2010-03-25T09:38:00.000-07:00

I know I have kept to myself lately but it has been how I was dealing with a lot of things. First of we transfer one 8b+ and one 8b+*. The * means it was already heading for the next stage when they were getting ready to do the transfer. The embryoligist was so nice. Actually the whole clinic was nice. I will have to do something for all of them.

Well the other things going on. My mom is overweight which is becoming an understatment. She has broke her back after a fall this weekend. It looks like she will be in a hospice for 6 weeks, don't know for sure until today. I know we can't take care of her as it is. It would be the best thing for her and my dad. It sounds bad but it is.

My nephew was throwing knives and his younger brother. We put him in a mental hospital but they discharged him saying it wasn't a mental issue but a behavorial issue. Um hello??? The mental issues are causing the behaviors.

I got a job offer in PA where I want to move. But now I feel guilty because of the family issues, but they have ruled my life, its now time for me and my son! Raylen really wants to live there espcially since my step kids were moved there last year and we miss them. Am I being selfish? The job would be less hours than I do now which if I am pregnant I need. Plus I need time with Raylen he isn't getting any younger and I feel I have missed alot with him.

Guess what?

2010-02-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

Well, started BCPs today. So here we go. Also go the triple crown award last night for work. Its an award for making sales quota, profit quota and turn over quota for the whole year. I didn't think my store made it but we did. Also the operations manager knows someone in PA to help get me a job. I will have to call him on Mon. So things are starting to go great.

I have it

2010-01-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

I now enough money for IVF!!!!!! I don't have anything else to add at the moment!

Exhuasted

2010-01-18T06:50:00.001-08:00

Mentally that is, well physically too. Without putting all of my sister's business out there, she is having a very rough time. She has four kids, whose father is not the best, one of them gives her an extremely hard time. Not to mention that she is not the most mentally stable person because of some of her past "things". Anyway she lost it this weekend and I have been extremely worried about what she would do. I took all the kids saturday to give her a break. I don't mind taking the kids but the oldest really does to try to push buttons.

So trying to find a job for me in PA is really important. I only have my parents and sister and her lot. Everyone is moving with me or a little later, so we have all of our families together. I worry about Chris's grandparents and feel horrible that we can't help them out like I do my family. Hopefully things will start working out soon.

I want so much to do foster parenting but in this house we just don't have the room. So when we move to PA we will. Maybe then I will feel better about myself. I just don't feel like I am doing all that I could be to be helping my community.

On another note, Tammy and Michelle fingers crossed for you both.

Let me just say....

2010-01-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!

I am just feeling extremely frustrated right now. I am ovulating and nothing to do about it. I don't have my w2 to do my taxes yet. I am stuck, stuck, stuck. I still can't find a job in PA near Chris's grandparents so we can move there.

Oh but I have an appt next month on the 11th to talk to the fertility dr about maybe donating eggs so I can get some money off of ivf.

ok...

2010-01-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

I know I don't post often but two in one day??? I just stepped over to check on Tammy and well her blog kinda goes with my dream.

On sadder note my heart goes out to those in Haiti. There are alot of orphans there and looks like there will be more. I wish I could do more myself.

Weird.....

2010-01-14T05:53:00.000-08:00

I had a really weird dream last night. It had to blogger infertility buddies in it. Now I have never met these two wonderful ladies in person so that is why it seems so weird. We were at a young lady's house that I have no idea who it was but there was a few babies there. We were discussing with Tammy about ivf and with Michelle about adoption and which way I should go this year. I seemed so real. So with that I hope they are both doing well with their paths they are traveling on.

I am really a b.itch

2010-01-04T18:17:00.000-08:00

Or I can be anyway. I was going through some old things looking for pictures. I found letters from when I was in basic training for the army. I had joined for a stable job and income for my family and I was going to leave Chris. Anyways he kept his letters and I had kept mine. I was always getting onto to him about changing things. Guess what? Its the same things that we argue about now. HHMMM maybe things will be different this year. ROTFL really?

Alot of work

2009-12-19T15:42:00.001-08:00

I work alot of hours so I feel I miss out alot with the kids. So here are more pics.

Since I have my neice

2009-12-18T16:37:00.000-08:00

I have my niece alot these days, which I love. I am mommy two to her. She is def stubborn like her mom but her smile is always worth it. So here are few pics. By the way the Santa is my dad, my mom custom made the suit for him a few years ago after he was diagnosed with cancer.

hahahah

2009-12-17T13:00:00.000-08:00

Okay so its been awhile. I read everyones blogs. I think of all of you everyday.

To catch up on me. I have had terrible insomnia, I didn't sleep for three straight months. I had two sleeps studies and all they can come up with is two forms of insomnia. I sleep a little every now and then but for the most part I still don't sleep even on strong meds. I am even on anit depressants and go to a therapist. But still sleep does not come easily. The only really good sleep I get is when we go up to PA to visit family.

chris is home....

2009-05-13T17:23:00.000-07:00

Yep he's home and for the first few days I was happy he was here. Now I can't get out of being depressed. I am so upset that I can't get the money up for ivf sooner than next year if we save real good. Right now we are planning on going to PA for the weekend next week then we are going back up for Chris's family reunion near the end of June.
Chris is going to be working out state in June until the vacation then the end of June he goes back out to Oregon. Ray and I will visit him in August for our second vacation. But other than that we aren't spending money on anything that we don't need. I want to run away so bad.

Sooooo many thoughts.....

2009-05-03T15:05:00.000-07:00

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind. One thing is I should never watch tv!! Chris and I were married by justice of the peace. And i definately regret not having a wedding. I really feel that I have missed out on alot, plus my dad never got to walk me down the aisle. So of course you can tell I have watched movies with weddings. So I am still feeling sorry for myself. Wrong I know.

I am still trying for figure out ways to afford the ivf. Winning the lottery has not worked yet, haha. I stash any leftover money after paying bills into a savings account away from Chris. It will take a year to do it this way. I feel like I am running out of time. So what to do? I feel so alone so often. I know there are plenty of infertile couples, with alot more problems than me. It's just that no one around me has this problem or had a problem getting pregnant. I just don't what to do where to go.

I do all the projects around the house to try to keep my mind occupied. It has been raining the last three days so there hasn't been anything for me to do, except watch tv. It's so so bad. Well I am done complaining.

Tammy I hope you are doing well and Mark too.

the quiet one

2009-05-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

That is what I have to called quite a bit. I have been hurt by alot of people by letting my feeling and thoughts be out in the open. So a long time ago I closed up and don't let many people in. I have been doing alot of thinking which doesn't help with the not sleeping. I have so much anger inside sometimes that it hurts physically. I get angry at Chris for not trying with donor sperm sooner. With pcos, endometriosis, and peri-menopausal if I had been able to try sooner maybe it wouldn't be so hard now. I get angry for him jumping jobs so much, that maybe if he had stayed with a job we could have paid for treatments sooner.

I am feeling sorry for myself today I know. Mother nature is not the nicest and it just reminds me of another month no baby. It all show physically too. I haven't worn make-up in the last 3 months(since chris has been gone) because I cry at the drop of a hat. The bags under my eyes look like someone is ready to take a year long trip. I don't sleep hardly at all one maybe two hours a night. I also haven't been eating right, to which my mother has started noticing and made my dad fix me dinner. I normally don't eat with them since I am a vegetarian and none them are.

I should be happy, Chris is coming home on Tuesday. I am actually taking a wed off to spend the day with him.

the garden work for the weekend

2009-04-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

hopefully go can get the scope of what I have done so far today.

more pics

2009-04-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am not the best at this blog set up so here are some more pics

These are of the screen door I put up and the frame I made to hold it.

PIctures of projects

2009-04-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

Not much to write about so I am just going to show some things I have done lately.

This is after I had started cutting down a crab apple tree. I didn't get many photos and they were taken with my phone.

What's the juice?

2009-04-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

Okay I don't eat right if I eat at all. So last week I bought a juicer. Yes I bought it last week and just used it tonight. So I started off simple with something I love, apple juice made from granny smith apples. So mad some juice for work tomorrow. So what did I make? Any guess? Really no guess. Well carrot and celery. It was simple and what I had. I have tons of recipes from several books so I will go shopping to make some more veggies and fruit juices. Any suggestions welcomed.

As for projects nothing today. I just didn't have time. With making juice, cleaning the juicer folding laundry.

Sunday

2009-04-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

First of all thank you Tammy for your comment. I know not many people read this but I am going to start writing alot more. More for me than anything else. Chris has been in Oregon since Feb. so I have been doing everything on my own, including getting the last bfn news. I have cut down a crab apple tree and other jobs. I am doing more projects around the house that I am going to document. It has been nice seeing things done.

I am still going to try for ivf. I just need to find a way to get the money up. I want so much to carry my baby, that I am not going to give up for anyone. I have already put some money away because if Chris is is working he can't spend any money. So I just need to work on something to get more.

I must go now and do some plumbing, the sink is leaking. Lets see how I can mess this up!!!

Well..

2009-04-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

To clarify on my post since someone decided to leave a comment. I want a child with all my heart, don't care how. I have and am looking into adoption as well as the ivf. There is some issues with adoption. But we may still do adoption even if we go through ivf.

ivf

2009-04-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

I went for a consultation for ivf today and boy am I overwhelmed. Now how am I suppose to come up with that kind of money? I have a friend who has been through with not so good results. So is it worth trying?

runaway returning?

2008-12-13T13:41:00.000-08:00

So I ran away from everything and everyone. I am still far away. I have still been ttcing, just don't go on any boards because I can not take any positives when I continue to get negatives. we are still going to ttc but now are working on adoption, even an older child. I have so much love to give and it seems like I don't have enough people to show. I keep stealing my nieces and nephews from my sister as much as I possibly can. I am working on buying the house across the street from my parents. I still live with my parents because of my mother, so the house across the street would be perfect and I could have more kids! I hope everyone is okay.

Time heals...

2008-08-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

nothing. The saying time heals all wounds is not really true. I have been talking to my first since the last post and there is still alot there. We figured out that my parents split us up. And that I never got over him. We have spent so much time talking that his wife is got upset. Here is the thing we are an ocean apart. He is in England and here I am stateside. I have done alot of self discovery lately. I am not going to ttc for awhile. Not until decide what to do about the silence between me and Chris. I thought it was me but I have tried alot with him lately and I don't think it is me. So until I figure what would be best for me and my son, there will be no ttc. I was sad about it but I think in the long run it will be for the better. I may end up being a smbc. Who knows. What I do know is that things need to change around here. I am working on moving out of this house with my parents. This means slowly putting the idea into their heads like it is their idea. They really don't want me and my son to move but I think it will be better because sometimes they treat me like a teenager. Anyways I am saving for a vacation to England to visit family. Good luck to all of you that are still ttc.

How can you make up for the past?

2008-07-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

As in my previous post I have gotten in contact with my first love. The reason why we split had to do with my parents. I can't ask my parents why they did what they did because I am sure it would be said it was because they thought it was best for me. I have dealt with alot over the years most of which I am sure if he and I had stayed together I would not have gone through. Chris is a great guy in many ways. but truth be told I did not tell him I loved him for a long time. It only changed when agreed to ttc with ds. There is still problems. All married people have problems. To see him in pictures now hurts and yes I am jealous. I won't tell him that, nor will I tell chris. It's nice to understand what has happened but nothing can be changed no matter how much you want it.

Here I am

2008-07-11T13:28:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am a horrible blogger. But I am not the person that I want to be. So Ihave been working very hard at changing me. I have gotten in touch with my first love and sorted out some things that happened between. I did that because the reason I do alot of the things I do is because of it. I amstill working on my journey which is harder than I thought.

Another bfn

2008-06-03T16:48:00.000-07:00

That's right another bfn. I am going to go to a chiroproator and an acupuncturist on Friday. I really thought this one would work.

Why do some family members think they can cheer me up with a gift. My sister has been getting me dolls. UGLY porcelain dolls. Yes I do have some collectable ones. But I normally get them because they appeal to me. Others get them for me as to appease my want of a baby. Like it really helps.

2 weeks are almost up

2008-05-27T16:23:00.000-07:00

and I haven't tested yet. I was going to test but my mom thinks I should wait a couple more days. Is she for real? I can't promise I will wait I will try though. Chris really thinks it worked this time though. One of our deals were that I would grow my long if we used DS. Well I really don't like my hair long at all. It has made it to my shoulders. Thanks for reading guys. I know it can be boring. I have been told I need to open up more(by a therapist). I will try more. I did write a long post a couple of days ago and erased it, lol.

Oh great

2008-05-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

So two IUI's done. My timing is definately different this time. I hope it works. I went by cervix position not by opk's.

Okay I have gotten into poison ivy. Yeh and it itches bad. Plus blisters oh great.

Surprise!

2008-05-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

As some of you know I have been having trouble with depression. I had some dr appts on Fri and we are still no where as far as I can tell. Anyways we had put ttc on hold because of finances. Both of our insurances do not cover anything so we would need $4000. to go to the next step with fertility dr. Chris and I had discussed trying at home again but that was all we did. Well Friday evening Chris ordered for Wed without me. He even had to pick out another donor because the ones we had tried before were not available. So I guess we are trying this month after all. I am not even sure which donor he picked. Not like it matters.

I want to run away

2008-05-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

Sorry for those who care I am having a hard time dealing with depression at the moment. I don't want to talk to anyone see anyone or do anything. You are all in my thoughts.

Sorry

2008-03-18T18:26:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't been around. I will update later. Right now I am trying to catch up on all of you.

Very Upset

2008-03-01T05:25:00.000-08:00

No adoption. Apparently the guy that works for me was talking to me about it when his wife does not want to give away her baby. I don't blame her at all I wouldn't either. But what an a$$ that works for knowing how much I want a baby. Not to mention the crap he is doing to his wife. I found out his girlfriend is pregnant by him and she is keeping the baby. BUT he told his wife that if she keeps the baby he is leaving her. Not to mention some other bull that I found out about him. Now he doesn't know that I have talked to his wife because he "forbid" her to come to the store. I guess he was afraid I would find everything out. But I promised her I wouldn't say anything because I don't know what he will do to her. I can't do anything to him at work because it is not job related. I am extremely hurt. But I knew something wasn't quite right.

On the TTC front I had cd3 labs done and on cd9 I have to go in for a sonohysterogram. So I may be out this month.

Today

2008-02-25T17:01:00.000-08:00

OK so I am a little confused on what to do. For adoption we need to work on getting a home study and find out how much. I am not putting this on the nw chatroom because I don't want everyone to know. Only a few of you read my blog so. I saw the ultrasound pics of the baby today and everything looks perfect! She is due around Sept 1st. Chris still wants to aggressive with me and wait on adoption. I don't want to get my hopes up because something just bothers me on the whole situation..
Cindy I hope you feel better soon, Tammy I have my fingers crossed for you, Shari you are in my thoughts and Michelle I hope you adjust to the time zone soon.

Adoption?

2008-02-13T12:56:00.000-08:00

The couple came to me again about adopting their unborn child. we are seriously considering, even if I am pregnant. The child will need a family that can take care of it. We will be able to. I just need to look into fees and laws. We are trying to look for a bigger place so we can do this. "S" is 3 and half months along. They don't have a place to live now with the kids they have. They have an emergency meeting with social services. I truly hope it goes well. I will keep everyone updated on this.

On the TTC front, no real symptons. I am taking progestogen so even if I did I would trust it.

What fun!

2008-02-10T17:45:00.000-08:00

We had all the kids this weekend. We took them bowling. I haven't been bowling for a very, very long time! It was hilarious! None of us got over 100. We had so much fun.

Now for the TWW

2008-02-10T05:15:00.000-08:00

The IUIs are done. I start the progestogen today, 3 a day. I am really happy with the timing. The first IUI went extremely well but the second one a little tough because my cervix had started to close. The RE joked about twins because of the number of follies.

Here we go!

2008-02-07T17:20:00.000-08:00

We did the trigger shot at 745 pm and go in for iui at 145 pm tomorrow and 845 Sat am. We have 5 possible follicles! One at 20, two at 18, three at 16 holy cow!

?????

2008-02-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

I may have the opportunity to adopt!! One of my employee's wife is pregnant. They have only been married for a few months and she has children from a previous marriage. One of her sons is in the hospital in bad shape. They have had some really hard times and haven't even been staying at the same house most of the time. They asked me today if I thought of adopting because they know what I have been going through. Oh I would be so happy!! I will keep everyone updated!

Lyndsey

2nd re appt

2008-02-04T17:18:00.000-08:00

Okay so I had the hockey stick procedure done today. Well it could have been better. Follicles look to be going good, should have three good ones for iui. The bummer is that I got a phone call later today from the nurse about my blood tests. First is the TSH (thyroid) should be 1-2 and mine is 2.085, not totally bad but I have to take some meds for it. The bad one is the AMH, should be 2.0 or above and mine is only 1.6. The nurse said it is perimeopausal. I am only 31yo so what the heck! I can't get a break!

Sunday

2008-02-03T16:30:00.000-08:00

Well Raylen is sick, with influenza b and hasn't been in school much the last week. He probably won't be in school tomorrow either. I went overboard and bought all sorts of sanitizers.

On the ttc front, I go for an ultrasound tomorrow. I have swimmers ordered for Thurs. so now its the wait. I have not got a pos opk yet.

Nothing else going on around here. Shari and Michelle good luck!!! Tammy I hope you are having fun and Cindy I am thinking of you, hope all is well!

The hsg

2008-01-28T07:34:00.000-08:00

.......is all clear. That was painful. The nurses were awesome. So now we wait for Wed to see what the re suggests to do. I will write more later.

Now what?

2008-01-27T14:48:00.000-08:00

I got the paperwork for the fertility clinic to fill before our appt on Wed. There is a his and hers packet. Its kinda funny because we know Chris doesn't have any sperm because of his vasectomy. The paperwork is asking questions as if we don't know that I am the problem. It has questions on his about how many times he has gotten anyone pregnant. I always know about the two but I forget about the first one from when he was in high school. I didn't realize it bothered him. The girl had an abortion. I figured it out and the child would be turning 18 this year. I guess sometimes some people, myself included, realize that it affects the male partner in that situation.

Well I go in for the hsg at 8am. I am not looking forward to it at all. I hope nothing is wrong. I am always afraid that there is something very wrong.

Just Another day

2008-01-23T17:19:00.000-08:00

Today is just another day of crap. I have really wanted to have something positive to put in here but it doesn't seem like anything is going to go that way. Tomorrow I go to the dr to figure out our next game plan for ttc. I am ready to move forward, I think. I have a hard time dealing with alot of things and have even been crying at work. Not cool. I am just getting too much crap at once. Chris bought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I should take a picture of it. It is his birthday tomorrow and I haven't even gotten anything for his birthday. I am so bad.

I've been tagged

2008-01-21T10:55:00.000-08:00

Thank you Shari at http://magicalcuriosity.blogspot.com/ for tagging me.

The Rules:1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

The FACTS

1.) I was severly picked on as a kid, so I don't trust people very easily, especially females. BUT the women from NW have shown me there is some good people. 2 of the girls that would pick on me have apologized in the last year.

2.) I collect rose and pig figurines or anything to do with either. I would own a pig but farm animals are illegal in the city.

3.) I hate living in a city even one as small as this one. I would prefer some land in the mountains.

4.) I am obsessive compulsive about brushing my teeth. I have a toothbrush in my car, at my job and several in the house. I have actually been told to stop brushing so much.

5.) I generally sleep only 3 or 4 hours a night. The rest of the night I lay there worrying or thinking too much.

6.) I have ocd when it comes to folding and hanging clothes. Chris always does them the wrong way to get me pissed off. He thinks it is funny.

So I don't know many bloggers and two of the people I know have already been tagged so I tag
Michelle http://michellespath.blogspot.com/
Cindy http://www.bunchnbunch.blogspot.com/

On the ttc front, this one was a bust. AF showed her ugly face.

2 more days

2008-01-20T16:18:00.000-08:00

Can I wait two more days before I test again? I haven't been posting because I have been wanting write something positive or uplifting. I want to quit complaining. Work is still the same, no surprise. So what should I write about? I do nothing but work and things around the house. I don't go out to hang out with anyone. First of all, I am not the most trusting of people. So I can count the people I call friends on one hand. Bad thing is none of them live around here. Therefore there isn't anyone that I want to hang out with. I need to learn to how to do other things on here. I got tagged by Shari and I don't know how to link on the post. Smart not!! I also want to know how to link other blogs onto my page like everyone else. I guess I need to play around on this more. Maybe someone can bgive me some hints on how to do that????

Just quick note

2008-01-14T17:10:00.000-08:00

Yestarday I had spotting but none today. I am starting to get my hopes up really high for this cycle. I just hope it is it!! I don't want to let everyone down. So many people think this one is it too, especially my parents and Mike. Good luck to everyone in the tww and Tammy hun you are always in my thoughts!

Fed up!

2008-01-12T15:50:00.001-08:00

Most of you may know that I live with my parents because of when dad was diagnosed with cancer. He has been taken off chemo so I really don't need to stay here for the "in case" for my mom. The thing is my mother is and alcholic and today I just got really mad and started yelling at her. She starting drinking before noon today and started bugging the crap out of my son. He started ignoring her and she yelled at him and told him to go to his room. Really he didn't do anything wrong. But I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. Okay I am done venting.

On the ttc note , the insems went well and I really happy with the timing. I am not temping this time because I would really stress myself out obsessing. Mike is really a gem. Everytime I talk to him now he asks me if I am pregnant. He keeps saying he sent a really special batch this time. He is so funny.

Updating

2008-01-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't written in awhile. When I got back to work from vacation my store was a complete disaster area. I could not believe my entire team let me down the way the did. I not only had to fix alot of things but I had to write almost everyone up.

On a better note, tomorrow is insem day!! I am so excited. Mike is so great. He called this morning and told me my baby girl is in the mail. How cute, it really put a smile on my face.

Really???

2007-12-22T18:15:00.000-08:00

Really why is so hard for me to eat. I decided to start jornaling my eating habits to try to get better well here is today--

1 bowl of Quaker Multigrain hot cereal 120 calories
no lunch
1 plate of pasta with a little alfredo sauce worst case 500 calories
2 cookies
4 bottles of water

That is all I have eaten today. I am not hungry nor do I want to eat. I really need to work harder. Bad thing is that is better than yestarday. My weight 200 lbs, height 6ft, mood okay, headache none, job found none. I go back to work on the 28th.

On a different note, I cannot wait until Christmas. We drew names for the adults in the family for gifts this year and my mom told me she got Chris. She told today what she got. Chris likes and used to go to The Rocky Horror Picture Shows. Well she got him the dvd. Since I am with him I asked my dad to go to the nearest(yes I really asked him this) sex shop and get me and outfit to fit Chris to go with the dvd, plus a feather duster. I am going to give him the outfit first then he gets the dvd. Oh I cannot wait this will be funny!!! I have also finished shopping for the kids but have not wrapped a single thing so you know what I will be doing Christmas Eve!

Time to find myself......

2007-12-21T05:05:00.000-08:00

First of all I am on vacation, an amazing thing all on its own. Second I think I want to change careers. I mean really, I work 80 hours a week for what? A paycheck that gets us by, that doesn't bother me as much as it gets us by without me. Think about it. I am at work so much that by the time I get home I am so tired I rarely want to do anything with anyone and if I am not tired I have a headache or migraine. It is not worth. Besides I have already been told by the dr that I need to get my stress down for ttc. That won't happen with my job. So what should I do?
Here is a major issue, I bring in the most money for our family. How am I suppose to work and go to school. Please don't tell me online school because I already tried that one and couldn't get that done either with my work schedule. I have been thinking of nursing but again it comes down to school and work. I feel stuck. Chris has some well off family members maybe I can do some wheeling and dealing while I am up here he-he-he. Yeah right.

Headaches

2007-12-13T14:41:00.000-08:00

I have been getting either headaches or migraines everyday for the last few months. I thought maybe it was my eyes and had my eyes checked and the prescribtion is the same. So I finally went to the dr and I have to go for a ct scan on Tues and I have to take Topomax everyday and something else if I have one come on. It could all be stress. Really it could. I have been trying to lose weight just by eating right and really the only thing I have done is cut out soda. Well my dad wanted me to count my calories because believe it or not he thinks I don't eat enough. Well he could be right ALL of the calories I had Tues including a candy bar were 800. That is awful. I guess I need to eat right, really right. I didn't realize how hard that is for me. I had dealt with anorexia 8 years ago and thought I beat it but I guess I haven't.

Tammy girl you are in my thoughts and prayers!!

Kids say the cutest things.....

2007-12-09T12:28:00.000-08:00

I was watching my neices and nephews the other day day and was playing horsey with the 5year old Griffin. I was getting tired and told him I was getting too old to play like that. Well he said "Lyndsey your not old you are still new". Well that cracked me up and made my day but I kept talking to him about it and asked him if Grandma and Papa were old. Well he then said " Old people can't walk, so papa is still new and grandma is just a little old because she needs to use the wheelchair." Okay now I am rolling on the floor laughing. Got to love kids.

A little note on me for those who care. I am feeling a little better about things. I have decided to give Chris an ultimantum(sp?). He either gets his self together with work and things AND start talking to me more or after the holidays he needs to find somewhere to live. I figured out that I had been blaming myself for everthing, and guess what it is not my fault for alot of it. It is however my fault for letting things continue the way they have. The only way things are going to change for me is if I make them happen. I however can see I cannot make others change they have to change themselves and want that change. The unfortunate thing is that the change may not be with us as being a family. I cannot continue to be depress and after almost 9 years of being married and being on antidressants for 8 of those years, something has got to change.

Need to find something to pick me up....

2007-11-25T05:06:00.000-08:00

.......or someone. Believe it or not I hate this time of year. My mother is an alchoholic and drinks more this time of year. My sister bickers about every little thing wrong with our family. I have to go visit the in-laws in PA, which most of them are stuck up and don't even talk to me. And I am reminded of everything that has gone wrong. I am already depressed and as days get closer to the holidays the more I want to runaway. Chris really doesn't talk with me about anything and it is driving me nuts. Plus he drags his butt on everything so it seems like I nag him to death but if he did things by the third time I reminded him I wouldn't be such a nag. These are things that he needs to do for him or the kids not even for me or us so I don't understand him.

I realized yestarday that because so many people have hurt me in the past that I can count my friends on one hand. I have tons of people I know but hardly anyone I can go talk to when I am upset. Even the people I do call friends don't live around here any more. I feel so lost and alone. This is not a pity me party, so just plain facts of my life and I hate it.

Thank you Shari and Tammy you guys are wonderful!

Stepping away....

2007-11-03T13:31:00.000-07:00

I am taking a break for the ttc board for awhile. I feel like such a bad person. I should be happy for all my friends who just got a bfp but I am so sad inside. I had a breakdown last night and everytime I stop working I break into tears. I didn't think it would hurt me so much. Chris really tried to comfort me last night but it just didn't work. Even now the tears are running down my face. I really thought by the end of this year I would at least be pregnant. Why does it have to be so hard? I can't believe that I can't get myself back up from this one. It's not just ttc. Finances are not the greatest right now and I can't spoil the kids for Christmas. I normally spoil all the kids, nieces, nephews and some of my employees kids. Well not this year. I am not really in the spirit either. I just want to run away, far, far away.
To Tammy and Shari I will still check on you guys. Good luck to both of you.

Just another day

2007-10-30T17:13:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the comments and support ladies. Another 13 hour day of work, lucky me. I am ready for vacation, but who knows when that will be. Chris is going to try to get a new job. He may work out of town most of the week. The insurance is better and the pay is twice what he makes now. That would take alot of stress off me. Since we have been married I have been the one who works consitantly and makes the most money. So I have always paid all the bills. I am so ready for him to take over and be the "man of the house" for once.

I talked to my best friend today and I really wished he lived closer. I can't do much to help him from here and that upsets me. He knows how much I care and that I want to help but I can't. He does so much to cheer me up, I just wish I could do more for him. I am really looking forward to seeing him in Feb.

Good luck to all still TTC, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Trying to find the new plan

2007-10-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

Well first of all I have to say stress may be the biggest factor in me not getting pregnant. I have been working 85 hours a week and was ready to quit today. I finally got some time away from my store and of course it is because I am sick. Not to mention everything else that is going on. My parents have been wonderfully supportive. My dad brought me flowers to work which really helped the other day. My best friend is wonderful too. No matter what is going on he finds away to cheer me up. Now my husband on the other hand is very stand offish. It is driving me mad. I really need to discuss things with him and he doesn't want me to get upset. So instead of helping me through it he leaves me to dwell on it. Not the best thing for me right now.

So on my own I am trying to find my plan. I am waiting until probably Feb to try again. In the meantime I am going to try to get an HSG done to make sure everything is clear. Also I think I am going to take vacation in Feb to be with my donor around O time. This will save on shipping and give me some time to relax away from everyone else that is bringing me down. Well that is start of my plan.j

Updating

2007-10-08T12:41:00.001-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Things have been very hectic and so negative. I don't want to go into details because if I write it down then I have to think about it more. If I think about it more I get depressed.

On another note.....we took the kids to the mountains last weekend and we went mining!! It was very fun and educational for the kids. It was also informing for me. I really want to move to the mountains and away from the city. I am going to what we have to do to move. It won't be just my husband and kids but also my parents and perhaps even my sister and her kids. But maybe in a year or two.

Well this is my life

2007-09-12T15:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a long time but things have been hectic to say the least. My dad got a virus last week which is always worse because of his chemo for cancer. It really scared me this time. It was the sickest he has been in a long time and he looked really bad.
Then there is my sister. She and her long time live in boyfriend have been fighting. I don't mean verbal either. He hyperextended her thumb and bit her several times. I had to go to court with her for the restraining order and have been helping her move her stuff into storage.
Now work, how can older(over 60) men act like stupid teen girls with gossip. I am so over stupid drama. My asst mgr who is an older man told my boss that I am never at work and I don't do anything. UUhhHH excuse me but I work 70 plus hours a week mostly because he doesn't do his part as an asst. But that is okay because now I will make his life hell because I will hold him to his job.
I am so over it all. If this cycle doesn't work then I am not trying for a few months I need a break from everything. I am so emotionally and physically drained. When people tell me it can only get better I ask them when??? I have been waiting long enough for something to go my way.

When is enough, enough??

2007-08-23T18:12:00.001-07:00

Yestarday I was just beside myself with this last cycle not working. Chris bought me a dozen roses and I love them. But I have had about 5 mins to talk to him the last two days. I want to talk to him in person for what we are going to do the this cycle. So I talked to my best friend(my donor) for about an hour last night and he also called me this morning. He is a great best friend. I just wished he didn't move to Florida. I feel completely defeated. I don't know what to do.

Tired

2007-08-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

Today I am extremely tired. I had a three day weekend which I normally never do but thought it would be nice and today was the first day back. It's not like I didn't get enough sleep I was asleep by around 8pm. At least that is what my son said. I have no energy at all I just want to sleep. I took a hpt this am and it was negative. It is still early. I just want to know because if I am tired because of that then I won't complain but if not then it is back to the dr's for tests. I am a veg so my dr always test my b levels and other things because of family history of other medicals problems.

This past weekend we had all the kids. That is why I took the extra day, to spend time with them. We took them to Nags Head and went swimming. I got knocked over the first time I went out into the water pretty badly so once I got back to shore I did NOT go back in. The kids and Chris had a great time and that is what matters.

Learning about myself

2007-08-08T08:46:00.000-07:00

I realized recently I really don't talk alot. I even asked my best friend and he said that is something he has just gotten used too. What???? I always say something that is short and too the int nothing frivolous. Mike says he thinks it is because of my mom. She can talk you ear off about nothing. It would make sense, I listen alot to what others say and stew on it for awhile. Perhaps I just need to come out of my shell( at age 31??)?? See now I have nothing else to say about it.
On the ttc note. It is 5dpo and my boobs hurt already. It is too early so what is going on.

Another day......

2007-08-05T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's sunday and I am working, and BORED!!!! We should be closed on Sunday! Well since I am bored and have nothing to do, my mind is wandering. Did this one work????? Oh the wait is killing me...........agh!

The start.....

2007-08-04T13:45:00.000-07:00

Alright I am now jumping on the band wagon of blogging. I don't want to put on my myspace page because I don't everyone knowing about my TTC method. I started the TWW again as of Friday. I am really excited about this try. I am truly happy with my choice of donor too. I was a little worried for awhile but I am happy with it. So here is to writing my personal feelings for the world to see.